🤑 Trade Wars: EU Cries Uncle, China Plays Hard to Get 🍿

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So, the U.S. and the EU finally sat down, had a little chat, and decided to shake hands like grown-ups. 🫱🏻🫲🏼 The result? A trade deal so lopsided it makes the Leaning Tower of Pisa look stable. The EU carmakers and pharma firms? Oh, they’re just fine—if “fine” means losing billions annually. 😢 Meanwhile, U.S. goods are waltzing into Europe like they own the place, tariff-free. 🇺🇸✨

  • The U.S. struck a deal so good, it’s practically stealing. 🦹♂️💼
  • EU carmakers and pharma firms: “Why us?” 🤦♂️
  • Now, everyone’s staring at China like it’s the last slice of pizza. 🍕👀

Wall Street had a little party on Monday, but then someone spilled the punch. 🥳🍾 The Dow Jones was like, “Nah, I’m good,” and dipped 0.10%, while the S&P 500 was all, “I’m almost there, guys!” and inched up 0.03%. Nasdaq, the cool kid, flexed with a 0.29% gain. 🤓📈

The EU deal was basically the U.S. saying, “We’ll take 15% of your lunch money, but you can keep the rest.” 🥪💸 France called it a “submission,” which is just a fancy way of saying, “We got played.” 🇫🇷🤡 Still, they avoided a full-blown trade war, so… silver linings? 🌦️

Now, everyone’s sweating over China. 🇨🇳💦 The August 1 deadline is looming like a storm cloud, and the two superpowers are still playing “Who blinks first?” If they don’t make a deal, we’re looking at tariffs so high they’d make Everest jealous. 🏔️💔 But hey, there’s hope! The Washington Post says they’ll probably just kick the can down the road another 90 days. Because why solve problems today when you can procrastinate? 📅🙄

China: “Open Up,” Says Trump. China: “Lol, No.”

President Trump wants China to “open up their country,” which sounds like something you’d say to a stubborn jar of pickles. 🥒🤦♂️ Meanwhile, Beijing’s like, “We’ll think about it,” while quietly preparing for another round of negotiations. 🧘♂️🤝 Will they make a deal? Will they extend the deadline? Will anyone remember what this was all about in 90 days? Stay tuned, folks. 🎢🍿

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2025-07-28 21:25