BitMine Immersion Technology-an enterprise whose name sounds suspiciously like an overpriced spa-has spent the equivalent of Versailles’ annual re-gilding budget to snaffle 106,485 ETH in a mere ten hours. The haul lifts its treasure chest to 1.29 million ETH, or roughly $5.75bn, a sum Lady Bracknell would call “both grand and socially alarming.” After the manic purchase, the firm presumably retired to a chaise longue to fan itself dramatically.
Lest anyone suspect modest ambition, the acquisition was arranged through the very best of middle-men-Galaxy Digital, FalconX, and BitGo-terrified footmen ferrying bullion in bulk, lest a single ether slip through the ballroom floorboards. 🤑
Across town, a mysterious whale-one suspects wearing a monocle-siphoned 92,899 ETH (only $412m, pocket change really) out of Kraken into brand-new wallets so fresh they still smell of pressed molybdenum and self-importance. The coins now rest like resplendent dowagers on velvet cushions labelled “long-term,” which in crypto parlance means “until the next DEX yield meme.” 😎
Of course, no soirée is complete without mounting debts wearing evening dress. BitMine is currently rattling the charity tin for an additional twenty-four-and-a-half billion dollars through an at-the-stock-market offering, while SharpLink has guiltily tipped another $389m into the punch bowl. I daresay Mr. Scrooge’s ghosts would promptly faint.
The appetite is contagious. Another nouveau arriviste has stuffed $1.3bn into ten glistening wallets, thereby outshopping the prim American ETFs who had only managed a paltry billion. It is the sort of ostentation that would earn one a permanent seat in the House of Lords, or at least a blue tick on X. 💼
Standard Chartered, ever the proud social climber of forecasts, now proclaims ETH shall ascend to $7,500 next year, then pirouette onwards to twelve, eighteen, and twenty-five thousand dollars respectively-dates conveniently far enough away to allow them to flee to the Riviera if mistaken. The catalysts? “Institutional demand” and “stablecoins.” Translation: more dowagers and more punch. 🥂
Even so, a small rebellion ripples through the drawing room. The celebrated “7 Siblings” clan-presumably a gaggle of overdressed debutantes-have sold 19,461 ETH for $88 million, presumably to refurnish the yacht. And the Ethereum Foundation-wearing the expression of a nun at a champagne luncheon-has discreetly slid 2,800 ETH into exchange hands. Even saints need petty cash for incense, dear. 😇
The information above is as reliable as a dandy’s promise at dawn. Nothing here should be mistaken for real financial counsel, unless your personal advisor moonlights as a witty novelist. Always consult a licensed professional before flinging any coinage-particularly the sort that electrocutes if you misplace the private key. Consider it the modern equivalent of “Never marry into a family whose Tinder albums you have not inspected.”
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2025-08-17 03:56