Robinhood’s Stock Rockets 467% – Bitcoin’s Like 🤨 Coinbase 😬

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Robinhood, that plucky trading app that made investing as simple as microwaving a burrito, has somehow become the belle of the ball in the Great Crypto Circus™. Who knew? While everyone was busy debating whether Bitcoin was a currency, a tech stock, or a toaster oven, Robinhood quietly turned into the prom queen-or king. Depends on the day, really.

In the past year, HOOD’s stock has skyrocketed 467% (yes, that’s a real number, and no, I didn’t accidentally spill coffee on my calculator). Shares hit $117, which sounds impressive until you realize you could’ve bought a small island for that much in 1997. Meanwhile, Bitcoin and Ethereum are chugging along like they’re stuck behind a tractor on a country road. Coinbase? Also lagging, like a kid who showed up to a gunfight with a slingshot.

July 2025 was apparently Robinhood’s “I’m Feeling Lucky” button moment. Equity trading volumes hit $209.1 billion-a 17% jump from June and double last year’s number. At this rate, they’ll need to invent a new word for “a lot” since “billion” feels quaint now.

So Long, Coinbase… Or Not? 🤷♂️

Coinbase moved $230 billion in Q2 2025, which is cute if you’re a crypto exchange. But Robinhood’s doing similar numbers without having to field customer service calls about “why is my wallet empty?” or “how do I blockchain?”

Q2 results? Revenue up 45% to $989 million, thanks to crypto trading revenue nearly doubling. Net income? Doubled. The company’s basically printing money with a side of confetti. Investors are now treating Robinhood like a crypto buffet-memecoins, digital assets, you name it. Why bother with a crypto exchange when you can trade Shiba Inu alongside your grandma’s favorite dividend stock?

But hold your horses. Coinbase is plotting revenge. Rumor has it they’re launching stock trading, which could yank some of this meme-powered action back to crypto-native platforms. Will Robinhood’s reign last? Probably not forever. But for now, it’s their world-we’re just meme-ing in it. 🚀

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2025-08-20 16:22