Right. So, apparently, since cracking open the champagne on August 15th, a little upstart called Heaven has already handled, and I mean PROPERLY handled, nearly $350 million. That’s not pocket change, that’s ‘buy-a-small-island’ change. 🏝️ And they’ve somehow made $3.8 million in revenue, which they immediately shove into buying back their own token, LIGHT.
…They’re calling it a “god flywheel.” A flywheel. Because that sounds so much more divine than “a slightly unhinged, self-congratulatory money-go-round,” doesn’t it? 🙄
Because One Money Vortex Wasn’t Enough
This whole situation has Heaven throwing some serious side-eye at Pump.fun, Solana’s reigning king of making-money-out-of-thin-air. Look, Pump.fun is still lounging on its golden throne with over $800 million, sure. But Heaven’s new tokens are already popping up in the top projects like they own the place. It’s giving… ambitious younger sibling energy. And we all know how that goes.
The Rules Have Changed (Apparently Commitment is Cool Now)
In a shock twist that absolutely no one saw coming (🤥), the folks at Heaven decided their old token unlock system was a bit naff. So they’ve swapped it for a *one-year cliff vesting model*. Translation: the team can’t just grab their tokens and leg it to the Maldives. They have to wait a whole year. Revolutionary.
The developers, presumably while adjusting their halos, said: “This change reflects our commitment…” Blah, blah, long-term vision, blah. They call it commitment, I call it a really good way to stop people from assuming you’re about to rug-pull. Tomato, tomahto. 🍅
The Grand Plan, or So They Say
All this is happening because, shocker, people are getting a bit bored of the same old song and dance. So Heaven is prancing in with its buybacks and its *allegedly* better tokenomics, betting it can be the new, slightly holier-than-thou kid on the block. Godspeed, you chaotic little angels. ✨
Right, a disclaimer. Because we have to. This is not advice. This is me, telling you a story about digital beans that people are throwing money at. Do not, under any circumstances, use this to make a life decision. Go talk to a grown-up with a fancy license. Or just… don’t. Your funeral. 💀
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2025-08-25 02:30