In what is surely the most epoch-shattering news since the invention of toast, Newcastle United has announced a convoluted multi-year entanglement with crypto exchange BYDFi, making it the club’s Official Cryptocurrency Exchange Partner. Yes, you read that right. Now, not only will fans be subjected to last-minute penalties, but also blockchain metaphors-two things everyone eagerly craves during a rainy Saturday afternoon.
The press release-written, presumably, with alternating surges of optimism and existential dread-promises that this alliance will catapult Newcastle’s brand into mysterious lands Beyond England, where people apparently yearn for digital finance tools right after breakfast. Fans will be able to use BYDFi tools and, for those who like their money intangible and their risk incalculable, there’s plenty of digital support to go around. 🤖💸
Peter Silverstone, whose job presumably involves inventing reasons for partnerships and perfectly timed applause, positively gushed about the agreement, commending the “alignment of values.” This phrase, as is universally accepted, means absolutely nothing and everything, all at once.
Newcastle United has agreed a multi-year partnership with cryptocurrency platform @BYDFi, further strengthening the club’s growth in international markets.
– Newcastle United (@NUFC) August 26, 2025
“BYDFi is an ambitious, forward-thinking brand,” Silverstone said, probably while staring intently toward a spreadsheet, “whose mission to help people build their financial futures really resonates with us.” Certainly, the only thing resonating harder is the sound of fans Googling “cryptocurrency” and getting lost in a spiral of YouTube explainers.
Mr. Silverstone continued his dramatic narration of Newcastle’s meteoric popularity; since 2021/22, the club is second in Europe for broadcast audience numbers-meaning people around the world can now watch Newcastle lose to Manchester City in dazzling HD.
And in the Asia-Pacific region, Newcastle is the recipient of the fifth-highest Premier League TV audience. It was also the fastest-growing club on social media last season, proving, once and for all, that hitting “follow” is just as important as scoring goals. 📈⚽
The deal also apparently provides BYDFi with a “strong platform to connect with supporters,” which may or may not result in supporters accidentally sending all their retirement money to an address ending in “.xyz.”
BYDFi’s Vision: It’s Crypto, But Newcastle
Michael Hung, BYDFi’s Co-founder and CEO, bravely avoided the urge to just send out a GIF of someone dancing. Instead, he said, “Lasting success, on the pitch or in finance, comes from doing the right things, repeatedly, over time.” This is, of course, exactly the sort of thing people say right before you lose five grand due to transaction fees and an existential crisis.
Hung explained BYDFi’s commitment to “BUIDL Your Dream Finance”-a term which, if pronounced with conviction, sounds almost as sincere as a football manager promising “next year will be our year.”
The exchange, founded in 2020, now counts over a million travelers in its crypto wilderness, spread across 190 countries and regions, many of whom are presumably wondering how they wound up here.
So, Newcastle’s fans now have everything: football, cryptocurrency, and the optimism that comes with vast, glorious confusion. 🚀
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2025-08-26 23:11