Finance
What to know:
- Stripe, ever the fashionista of fintech, has unveiled Open Issuance-a platform where firms can mint custom stablecoins with minimal coding. Because who needs complexity when you can have chaos with a few lines of code? 💸
- Phantom’s CASH token, Hyperliquid’s USDH, and MetaMask’s mUSD will join the party. Imagine a cocktail of stablecoins so dull, even a sleep-deprived algorithm would yawn. 🤖
- “Ah, the dawn of a new online economy!” declared Will Gaybrick, Stripe’s president. One wonders if this economy will include a cure for existential dread. 🌅
Payments giant Stripe, in a dazzling New York showcase, has decided to marry stablecoins and AI commerce. Because nothing says “innovation” like tying payments to digital dollars and algorithms that may or may not understand sarcasm. 🎩✨
Open Issuance, built on Bridge (acquired for a mere $1.1 billion), allows firms to launch stablecoins with “just a few lines of code.” A bold claim, considering most code requires at least one line to crash dramatically. 🧠💥
Phantom’s CASH token, the first to ride Open Issuance’s rollercoaster, is now the poster child for “open-loop stablecoins.” A term so fancy, it probably needs its own dictionary entry. 📚
Hyperliquid’s USDH and MetaMask’s mUSD will also join the parade, with more projects “in the pipeline.” One suspects the pipeline is merely a glorified plumbing metaphor. 🚰
“Build on stablecoins you control,” advised Zach Abrams of Bridge. A noble sentiment, assuming the stablecoins don’t decide to rebel and mint themselves into emojis. 🤷♂️
Reserves will be balanced between Treasuries and cash, managed by BlackRock, Fidelity, and others. Because nothing says “trust” like handing money to banks and hoping they remember your name. 🏦
Stripe’s AI foray, Agentic Commerce Protocol (with OpenAI), lets merchants “transact with AI agents.” A charming way to say, “Let’s outsource human interaction to robots who might misinterpret your order as a request for existential advice.” 🤖📜
These moves build on Stripe’s blockchain obsession, including acquiring Bridge and Privy. Perhaps next, they’ll buy a time machine to avoid the 2008 financial crisis. 🕰️
“A new online economy!” proclaimed Will Gaybrick, as if the old one wasn’t already a dystopian hellscape. One can only hope this new era includes better customer service. 🛋️
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2025-09-30 19:09