Binance’s Crypto Circus: $1.7B Vanishes in Mid-Air! 🤹♂️💸

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Behold the tale of Binance, a crypto exchange that somehow managed to let $1.7 billion flit through 13 suspicious accounts like it was juggling flaming torpedoes at a pirate convention. And yes, this happened even after a $4.3 billion plea deal with U.S. authorities-because why let a slap on the wrist stop you from doing more slapstick? 🤡

  • The Financial Times, armed with leaked files and a suspiciously large amount of caffeine, discovered 13 accounts that handled $1.7 billion in crypto. Around $144 million of that was sashayed through post-2023 settlement, like a magician’s rabbit with a side hustle. 🎩🐇
  • One account, registered to a Venezuelan slum resident, moved $93 million. Another, linked to a 25-year-old woman (or perhaps her AI twin), cycled through $177 million, 647 bank details, and 496 accounts. It’s like a game of Monopoly where every property is a different country. 🏠🌍
  • Wallets received USDT from addresses later frozen by Israel for Hizbollah and Houthi ties. Binance, ever the optimist, claimed “zero-tolerance compliance” while this was happening. One imagines a compliance officer nodding sagely while a goat dances on a unicycle. 🐐🚴♂️

Binance, now under the watchful eye of the U.S. Justice Department, allowed hundreds of millions to flow through flagged accounts post-settlement. The leaked data, spanning 2021-2025, reads like a choose-your-own-adventure book titled How to Get Away With It (Mostly). 📖

The Financial Times highlights an account from a Venezuelan slum that moved $93 million over four years. Some funds came from a network accused of laundering money for Iran and Hizbollah. Because nothing says “financial transparency” like a side hustle in a slum. 🏙️

Another account, registered to a 25-year-old woman (or possibly a sentient espresso machine), received $177 million in crypto and changed bank details 647 times. That’s one change every 6.3 hours-because why let a single identity get comfortable? 🔄

The leaked data shows 13 accounts handling $1.7 billion, with $144 million post-settlement. Former prosecutor Stefan Cassella called it “an unlicensed money-transmitting business,” which is just a fancy way of saying “we’re not surprised.” 🕵️♂️

Logins occurred in impossible places: Caracas at 3 PM, Osaka at 7 AM the next day. Either the user mastered teleportation or hired a ghostwriter for their crimes. 👻

Wallets received funds from Tether addresses later frozen by Israel for terror ties. Transfers traced to Tawfiq Al-Law, a Syrian national sanctioned by the U.S. in 2024. One suspects he’s now running a cryptocurrency bootcamp in a cave somewhere. 🏟️

Binance claims “strict compliance controls” and a “zero-tolerance approach” to illicit activity. They also claim the moon is made of cheese. 🧀

The saga unfolds amid scrutiny of Binance’s governance, a presidential pardon for founder Changpeng Zhao, and cozy ties between his team and former POTUS family members. It’s like a board game where everyone’s on the take. 🎲

Most of this chaos happened after independent monitors were appointed in 2024. One wonders if they were paid in crypto-or just given a seat at the circus. 🎪

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2025-12-22 13:02