Ah! Friends, lend me your well-bred ears—for at the latest gathering in yonder White House, Master Trump did once again proclaim himself a zealous acolyte of that wondrous phantom, Bitcoin. Yes, sirs! With a flourish worthy of Molière’s most puffed-up Marquis, he called it “amazing”—and grinned, as if tossing bread to hungry plebeians.
“It has become amazing. I mean, it is the jobs that it produces, and I notice more and more you pay in Bitcoin. People are saying it takes a lot of pressure off the dollar, and it is a great thing for our country.”
– The Donald, with more coins than sense
Thus, gentlefolk, let us tiptoe elegantly through his latest crypto soliloquy, wager a thought on the carrier pigeons of altcoins, and speculate—always in utmost dignity—which tokens every would-be aristocrat of fortune ought to covet before the next market masquerade begins anew.
Of Dollar Woes and Satoshis’ Reprieve
Mark this above all: what sparked most fevered fanfare was Trump’s claim that Bitcoin, like an obedient valet, relieves the tired shoulders of the US dollar. Scarce had the words left his lips than a certain Monsieur Anders, digital asset investigator and occasional armchair philosopher, began to mutter of the “Triffin dilemma.” To which every courtier nodded, as if they had not just looked it up on their enchanted mirrors (i.e., smartphones).
The Triffin dilemma, he pontificates, besets the country whose currency is forced to play Atlas for the world. Too strong a dollar, and imports arrive like uninvited in-laws—plentiful and irksome; exports, meanwhile, skulk away like disappointed suitors.
And so, declares the court, if investment flows in as Bitcoin rather than dollars, the greenback might lose some swagger—and perhaps, just perhaps, the trade ledger’s frown will soften.
Trump’s renewed applause for Bitcoin thus sets the stage for all manner of speculative ballet. Bitcoin (and its loyal imitators) have been recast as dashing nouveaux stratèges in the theatre of finance!
But enough with philosophy! Let us catalogue the cryptos likely to prance onto this grand new stage, all hungry for applause (and your gold).
BTC Bull Token ($BTCBULL)—a portly bull with dreams of grandeur! This one claims to scatter free Bitcoin to its long-suffering holders. Simply clutch your tokens in the Best Wallet, and whenever Bitcoin leaps over $150K, expect a rain of satoshis, as if Jupiter himself had mistaken you for Io.
The prophets (\~influencers with questionable wigs) say this token will dance an extravagant 277% by 2026, reaching a sovereign $0.0096 from today’s peasantly $0.00258. Already $7.6 million has been waved about by early investors—more than enough for a week at Versailles or a single Pepe NFT, depending on one’s taste.
Anticipation brims: what could possibly go wrong?
Bitcoin Hyper ($HYPER): The Crypto That Ate Too Many Croissants
Enter Bitcoin Hyper ($HYPER), an upstart meme coin promising to slap a Layer 2 atop Bitcoin and make it race like a caffeinated courier. No longer shall Bitcoin’s seven transactions per second be the butt of jests at crypto salons—nay! With the alchemical blend of a Canonical Bridge and Solana’s Virtual Machine, $HYPER aspires to make your bitcoins sprint, leap, and (for a modest fee) moonwalk.
Picture it: lightning-fast swaps, lending, NFTs, dApps… all for the presale price of $0.012075! At last count, $1.7M has already been pledged, likely stashed by lords and fools alike.
Our soothsayers predict a climb to $0.253 by 2030—a mere 2,000% gain! (If you believe in unicorns and politicians’ promises.)
Useless Coin ($USELESS): Invest in the Art of Nothing
At last! No Molière comedy would be complete without a satire so sharp it draws blood: Useless Coin ($USELESS)! This coin boasts the ultimate utility—none whatsoever. No staking! No governance! No use! Merely the anarchic joy of throwing money into the digital void and watching it swirl about in meme-fueled ecstasy.
$USELESS has soared 92% in less than a month, which in crypto years is an epoch and in common sense, nonsense. Currently trading at $0.1665, it is hitting new heights with all the grace of a goose on a trampoline.
Curtain Call
So, noble investor, if the bard Trump’s trumpet-blowing on Bitcoin has sent your heart a-racing, you may tiptoe into BTC Bull Token, wager your patience on Bitcoin Hyper, or throw yourself with abandon into the giddy arms of Useless Coin.
Alas, remember—no jest is without risk, and in crypto, the greatest comedy follows unheeded warnings. Invest only what you can afford to lose, or else the next fool in the theatre may be you. 🎭🪙👑
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2025-06-29 21:23