Oh, perfect. Another week in crypto-land. Because nothing says “I’ve got my life together” like watching your savings evaporate while the world burns. Here’s what to expect:
What to know:
As the war in Iran drags on like a bad reality TV show, crypto markets brace for the usual suspects: central bank speeches and blockchain upgrades. Aave’s v4 launch? Sure, why not. Akash and Casper’s hard forks? Sounds painful, but at least it’s not your back after six hours of NFT mining.
Meanwhile, Fed Governor Stephen Miran will be speaking at the Digital Asset Summit, where he’ll likely be asked if Bitcoin can buy peace in our time. Spoiler: It can’t. But hey, maybe he’ll drop a meme-worthy soundbite about “decentralized dovishness.”
Wall Street, ever the trend-followers, will dissect GameStop’s earnings. The company that turned investing into a TikTok challenge still holds 4,710 BTC. Because nothing says “financial stability” like putting your retirement fund into a meme.
What to Watch
(All times ET, because we wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone who hasn’t abandoned all hope of a normal sleep cycle.)
Prosecutors flag mail discrepancies in Sam Bankman-Fried’s retrial motion letter from prison
31 minutes ago
Apparently, SBF’s prison mail has more plot holes than his defense strategy. Who knew?
Resolv stablecoin crashes 70% as attacker extracts $25 million in ETH
3 hours ago
Resolv’s stablecoin lost 70% of its value. Technically a success if you measure success by how fast you can lose money.
Turns out, people still prefer oil and silver over XRP. Who’s the jokester now, huh?
Stocks start catching up with bitcoin’s earlier price crash to $60,000 as bond yields rise
3 hours ago
Stocks finally caught up to Bitcoin’s $60K nosedive. Better late than never, I guess.
XRP drops 3.7% as break below $1.40 signals renewed downside risk
4 hours ago
XRP fell because apparently, $1.40 was just too much responsibility.
Bitcoin holds $68,300 as gold crashes for a ninth day and Asian stocks drop
4 hours ago
Bitcoin held at $68,300 while gold crashed. Because nothing says “safe haven” like a digital currency with no inherent value.
South Korea crypto liquidity tumbles as stablecoin balances plunge 55% and stock buying rises
5 hours ago
South Korean crypto liquidity plummeted as stablecoins dropped 55%. Maybe it’s time to try… regular coins?
Bitcoin miners are losing $19,000 on every BTC produced as difficulty drops 7.8%
Mar 22, 2026
Miners lose $19K per Bitcoin mined. At this rate, they’ll start paying people to take their coins.
Ethereum faces make-or-break moment in high-stakes balancing act as scaling, quantum and AI pressures mount
16 hours ago
Ethereum faces a “high-stakes balancing act” against quantum computing and AI. Good luck with that.
Gold falters as macro pressures build, bitcoin holds liquidity trend
18 hours ago
Gold falters while Bitcoin holds liquidity trends. Because nothing says “trust” like a decentralized ledger you can’t touch.
The genius and the danger of STRC: How Strategy’s new funding model bends so it doesn’t break
17 hours ago
The “genius” of STRC’s funding model is that it bends so it doesn’t break. Revolutionary. Just like yoga, but with more blockchain.
Bitcoin options signal extreme fear as downside protection premium hits new all-time high, says VanEck
Mar 21, 2026
Bitcoin options signal “extreme fear” as premiums hit an all-time high. Because nothing calms nerves like betting your house on a coin flip.
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2026-03-23 12:24