You Won’t Believe What Telegram Is Doing With Crypto (And Nobody’s Talking About It!)

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Look, let me tell you what’s going on with Telegram—because it’s *weird*, okay? This isn’t just texting your aunt about Chanukah anymore. Telegram’s quietly turning itself into some kind of crypto casino. They’re threading TON blockchain right into the app. Wallets, ads, whatever—if it can touch crypto, they’re trying it. Is it necessary? Do people even want this? Eh, who cares! Let’s throw crypto into everything and see what sticks.🤷‍♂️

So, “The Open Platform” (The Open Platform… what, did they put months into that name?)—anyway—they just raised $28.5 million in funding from Rabbit Capital, and Pantera Capital, among others. A lot of capital, for a platform that’s supposed to be open! I’ve seen less money at a New York divorce settlement.

The Open Platform is out there building shiny tools and apps for The Open Network (TON). This is the blockchain Telegram built back in 2018, when everyone was busy making banana bread and pretending to understand what blockchain was. TON apparently processes transactions faster than I can get into an argument with my neighbor.👏

Toncoin, the crown jewel of this whole mess, was the big hotshot in 2023. Not number one, not number five, but 23rd on the Brave New Coin market cap list. That’s not nothing, but, you know, don’t quit your day job. Still, $7 billion market cap. It trades for about $2.80 a pop—cheaper than a cup of bad coffee in Manhattan.

That $28.5 million raise? Classic FOMO. Everybody wants a piece of crypto-messaging, because, you know, everything works better when you throw in a blockchain. Ads? Web3. Payments? Web3. Grandma sending you minion memes? Web3. Content creators? Forget ad revenue—now you gotta learn tokenomics just to pay the rent. Mazel tov.🥲

“800 million users are using TON on Telegram.” That’s according to Yat Siu from Animoca Brands. 800 million? That’s more people than actually *know* what blockchain is. He said it after Animoca bought a bunch of TON. Maybe he’s right. Maybe he’s just bullish, who knows?

TON and Telegram: Codependency at Its Finest

Look, these two—TON and Telegram—maybe they’re “technically separate,” but try telling that to Pavel Durov. Guy’s got crypto in his veins. Since March 2024, TON is ground zero for Telegram’s ad money. Now channel owners can get paid in Toncoin. Will they cash out? Will they pump it back into ads? Who knows! All I know is, there’s always another circle to make more coins. So virtuous, it almost feels suspicious.🕵️‍♂️

Telegram now has a billion monthly users and a non-custodial wallet. You can manage your crypto right in the chat where your aunt keeps sending you cat stickers. The ad platform throws 50% of the ad revenue to channels in Toncoin, so if you were dreaming of a crypto side hustle—this is your time to be slightly less broke, maybe.

Wanna Get Paid? Here’s the (Supposedly) Easy Path

All you gotta do (and isn’t this always the pitch?):

  1. Set up a wallet. In the chat app. Like you’re ordering a pizza.
  2. Sign up for ads. Hope people care about your channel.
  3. Collect your magic internet money (Toncoin) right into that wallet. Zero banks, zero middlemen, infinite confusion for everyone over 50.

Everything’s automated. No cash, no checks, no glowing-eyed finance guys asking about “the blockchain.” It’s a brave new world, and somehow, it all happens right inside Telegram. Scary, right?

Want more weirdness? Besides the TON wallet and ad platform, there’s clicker games—Notcoin, Hamster Kombat. The hamster game hit 300 million players. That’s not a typo. If you thought “Candy Crush” was addictive, obviously, you’ve never clicked a virtual hamster for crypto. The ecosystem is getting so crowded, even I want to build an app where you just nag people and get paid in tokens for it.💰

The Comedy of Crypto Errors

But wait! Durov’s legal drama is the dark subplot here. In August 2024, he gets arrested in France (croissants, berets, handcuffs, the whole package) and the market panics—Toncoin price drops 20%. Ouch! Charges? We’re talking everything from “spreading criminal content” to “organized crime” to—surprise!—“not responding to the nice French police.” Now Telegram is trying to clean house and play nice, but regulators have that look like, “Eh, we’ll see.”🍷

A year later, he’s still in hot legal water, but the Telegram train plows ahead. Apparently, court dates don’t stop blockchain updates. So, if you need someone to show up at your trial, don’t ask a crypto founder. If you need new features in your chat app—sure, they’re available 24/7!

Crypto Messaging: The Social Experiment Nobody Asked For

Telegram’s basically smashing together payments, games, shopping, and monetization like a guy making a soup from leftovers. Now users play a clicker game and get tokens. Send a GIF, earn a coin. Post a meme—boom, blockchain. Did the world ask for this? I don’t know, but now we’re stuck with it.

Whatever happens, this experiment is here, and the rest of the tech world is watching, popcorn in hand. Telegram’s laying the foundation for a future where your group chat might pay you…but only in currencies your dad has never heard of. Would you trust it? Personally, I still pay for my coffee in quarters.

 

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2025-07-04 11:32