If you’ve ever wondered how Jeeves keeps a stiff upper lip while the crypto market writhes about like a caffeinated ferret, today’s your day! In the last 24 hours, Bitcoin (BTC) and its fellow coinage paused for breath—looking just a tad winded—before tumbling face-first off the rally wagon. BTC, displaying the athletic grace of a one-legged goose, dashed up to $110,498 before tripping over its own shoelaces, and now limps along at $109,145. Still, as my Aunt Agatha might mutter, “At least it’s up, which is more than one can say for my soufflé.”
Ethereum (ETH) made an elegant lunge above $2,600 (presumably showing off to the neighbours), before flopping down to $2,574, looking sheepish and trying not to make eye contact. Ripple (XRP) is gently declining, while Solana (SOL) is sinking—though in a dignified fashion—hovering about $152 like a dowager duchess at a lacklustre ball. Meanwhile, Dogecoin (DOGE) and Cardano (ADA) are up, managing to swim against the tide with all the pluck of a British bulldog in floaties. Stellar (XLM), Toncoin (TON), Litecoin (LTC), and Polkadot (DOT), however, have taken the express elevator to the basement, presumably for afternoon tea and a bit of quiet sobbing.
Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill: Crypto Gets Left at the Altar 🥲
The much-ballyhooed “Big Beautiful Bill” from President Trump has gone and done what my taxes do every April: completely ignore crypto-related woes. Sure, market liquidity may get a boost, but real crypto help? Not so much. The bill—having squeaked through the House by a whisker—flashed a dazzling smile at tax cuts, wagged a stern finger at Medicaid, and tiptoed right past crypto like it owed it money.
Pro-crypto Senator Cynthia Lummis tried wrestling a few amendments into the bill (including that hoary chestnut: taxes on mining and staking income), but her efforts were about as successful as trying to convince a cat to take a bath. Undeterred, Lummis decided to drop her very own crypto tax bill like a summer blockbuster.
Cynthia Lummis Strikes Back: Crypto Tax Bill, The Sequel 🎬
Senator Cynthia Lummis has thrown her bowler into the ring with fresh legislation intent on giving the Internal Revenue Code a digital-age facelift it didn’t ask for but probably needs. Her masterpiece hopes to treat digital assets with all the common sense of Jeeves negotiating with the butler’s union. More excitingly, it expands securities lending rules to cover digital whatnots—presumably so more of us can be confused.
“In order to maintain our competitive edge, we must change our tax code to embrace our digital economy, not burden digital asset users. This groundbreaking legislation is fully paid-for, cuts through the bureaucratic red tape, and establishes common-sense rules that reflect how digital technologies function in the real world.”
Wall Street: Still Partying Like It’s 1999 📈🎉
Wall Street, reinforced by jobs data pluckier than Bertie Wooster after six espressos, managed to keep up appearances, despite the faint whiff of a delayed Federal Reserve rate cut. The Dow Jones sashayed up 344 points, with the S&P 500 and Nasdaq Composite twirling to current highs. Apparently, 147,000 new jobs popped up, surprising everyone except, perhaps, the guy who does the actual hiring. Unemployment fell to 4.1%. Worrywarts predicting tariff doom might as well have been prophesying the end of civilisation because Aunt Agatha’s souffle didn’t rise.
Firefox Users: Beware Barrow Boys Bearing Malicious Extensions! 🦊🛑
If you’ve been using Firefox to check your crypto stash, be advised: there’s a digital Artful Dodger about! More than 40 fake extensions, all with the charm of a used car salesman, have been hard at work pinching wallet keys faster than you can say “phishing scam!”. Wallets including Coinbase, MetaMask, Trust Wallet, Phantom, and even those obscure types Jeeves keeps in the butler’s pantry, were targeted. The scammers have been industrious since April and show no sign of finding honest employment.
“So far, we were able to link over 40 different extensions to this campaign, which is still ongoing and very much alive.”
The malware nabs your wallet credentials, then zips off with them to a remote server where, presumably, a villain in fingerless gloves cackles with glee.
Peter Thiel & Chums: The Great Startup Bank Caper 🏦💼
Billionaire brainboxes Peter Thiel, Palmer Luckey, and Joe Lonsdale have hatched a plot to start a low-key little bank, presumably as a replacement for Silicon Valley Bank, which expired with all the subtlety of a soufflé in an earthquake. The idea? Lend to crypto companies turned away by more faint-hearted bankers and become a safe haven for startups who would otherwise have to sell lemonade on the street corner. Thiel’s Founders Fund has lobbed in piles of cash, with the intention to create a bank so innovative it might even offer to hold Aunt Dahlia’s prize-winning pig as collateral.
Bitcoin (BTC): Wobbling on the Highwire 🎪
BTC staged a dazzling climb, reaching $110,590 and then, in a move reminiscent of Bertie tripping over the living room carpet, tumbled back to $108,851. Despite valiant rallies, BTC can’t seem to muster enough enthusiasm to break into the new all-time highs. Spot demand, we are told, is as elusive as Jeeves’ lost umbrella, even with various “breakout” attempts fizzling.
“BTC is breaking out, but where’s the spot demand? Without real demand, breakouts run on fumes. We need buyers to sustain the price breakout.”
Historically, July is the sort of month best spent on a deckchair with a gin and tonic, rather than expecting fireworks in crypto. Apparently, just 6.1% of annual trading volume happens now, which will thrill no one except perhaps those who like peace and quiet.
“Although July 2025 brings potential catalysts, including Trump’s budget bill, tariff decisions, and a crypto executive order deadline, seasonal patterns suggest markets may continue drifting in low-volume and low-volatility doldrums despite the busy news backdrop.”
BTC ended last Sunday clutching a bottle of smelling salts, having dipped below $100,000 before gamely bouncing back to $100,985. Monday saw a heroic rally—perhaps buoyed by the news that someone had, somewhere, bought the dip—climbing past $105,000. A game of snakes and ladders ensued all week; every gain followed by a genteel swoon. Buyers, sellers, and analysts alike now seem to be scanning the horizon for the next plot twist.
Ethereum (ETH): A Dance with Resistance 🕺💃
ETH pulled some energetic moves, pirouetting past $2,600 only to be seized by stage fright and retreat to $2,574. Resistance levels are arrayed at $2,625-$2,650 like immigration officers at Heathrow. A break past these would lead to champagne corks popping, but failure might see ETH tumble below $2,500 and mutter about the unfairness of it all.
Recently, ETH plunged to the depths, sniffed its nose around $2,119, and then made a hero’s recovery, crossing back over $2,400 faster than you can ask “is it time to buy yet?” The remainder of the week involved breathless rallies, sharp reversals, and just a bit of hand-wringing. ETH now sulks just shy of $2,600, awaiting its next opportunity to embarrass the bears or the bulls.
Solana (SOL): The Nearly Man 🚶♂️
Solana, briefly in vogue, failed to capitalise on its earlier bravado and has been fending off “sell, sell, sell!” types with as much effectiveness as Bertie Wooster facing a panel of angry aunts. On-chain stats are a bit grim: DEX volume and revenue both fell off cliffs, though Solana-based memecoins are still apparently raking it in—a fact that will mystify anyone old enough to remember how maths works.
Corporations are still buying up SOL by the sackload, but the price remains twitchy, lurching up and down the $150s like it’s searching for the nearest exit. Episodes of bullish enthusiasm are swiftly followed by deep sighs and gentle declines as traders resign themselves to another week of the same.
Arbitrum (ARB): The Little Rollercoaster That Could 🎢
ARB suffered the indignity of a Sunday plunge, but rallied on Monday with all the eager abandon of a junior clerk at his first office party. Not to be outdone by its more prestigious rivals, ARB hurtled through the week with enough volatility to make even the hardiest hodler reconsider his life choices. No major uptrend yet: the price jiggles about the $0.30 range like a fidgety dachshund waiting for its dinner.
Injective (INJ): Up, Down, Shake It All Around
INJ enjoyed a post-weekend bounce, springing up past $10 with the elation of a Derby winner—only to discover gravity is a harsh mistress. After various flirtations with $12, INJ slumped again, finding itself just north of $11 and wondering who moved its support levels. The market here is alternating rapidly between “euphoria” and “oh, bother,” with no one quite sure which direction will win.
Celestia (TIA): Buoyant and Baffled 🌊🤔
Finally, TIA made a proper Monday entrance, rising 13% amidst cheers and confetti. It promptly got its comeuppance (Wednesday and Thursday weren’t kind) before recovering slightly, playing leapfrog with its own moving averages. By midweek, TIA had staged a bouncy rally and is now back in the red—a fact that will come as no surprise to anyone with experience in coin-watching or Morris dancing.
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2025-07-04 16:20