- In an act of unrivalled indecision, the UK government pirouettes away from welfare reforms, pirouetting, pirouetted, and—yes—twirls right towards the possibility of raiding your wallet instead.
- The chase after crypto tax dodgers is tipped to dig up a tidy sum of £315 million by April 2030—enough to fund a few cucumber sandwiches, and perhaps two-and-a-half nurses, if inflation is feeling polite.
The UK government, displaying all the subtlety of a peacock at a funeral, is planning to tighten regulations on crypto traders and investors. (Somewhere, a Bitcoin bro weeps.) New tax compliance requirements will demand that users serve up their identifying information to exchanges and platforms, like sacrificial lambs at the altar of bureaucracy. 🐑
This scheme, charmingly dubbed the Cryptoasset Reporting Framework, claims to be about “tax transparency,” though one suspects it’s mostly about seeing how many acronyms can be crammed onto a single page before the ink runs out.
His Majesty’s Revenue and Customs (HMRC) will at last be able to hunt down undeclared profits from gems like Bitcoin [BTC] and Ethereum [ETH]—because nothing says ‘modern monarchy’ quite like chasing invisible money through the digital hedgerows. 🏇
New rules muse that crypto traders could face a blistering fine of up to £300 if they fail to bare their digital souls to crypto service providers. Nothing strikes fear into the heart of tax-dodging millionaires like the threat of a £300 invoice—perhaps next the government will challenge them to a duel. ⚔️
With this regulatory balletic leap, the UK elegantly twirls in lockstep with the US, leaving the EU sulking in the stalls with old copies of The Financial Times.
The government confidently predicts these rules will raise £315 million by April 2030—on the off chance that everyone complies and no one moves their Bitcoin to an encrypted USB stick labeled “Definitely Not Evidence.”
After all, crypto holders have always technically had to pay capital gains tax, but existing reporting is so patchy that HMRC spends more time guessing than a fortune teller with a broken crystal ball. 🔮
Further and Faster: Because Nothing Says Progress Like Panic
Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury, James Murray MP, intoned with all the optimism of a man auditioning for Hamlet:
“We’re going further and faster to crack down on tax dodgers as we close the tax gap.”
The minister insists this “comprehensive” reporting will ensure tax dodgers have nowhere to hide, as if they were rodents confronted by a very determined, paperwork-wielding cat. This sudden zeal is, of course, intended to collect coins for nurses, police, and whatever else politicians remember exists when a microphone is turned on.
Meanwhile, Chancellor Rachel Reeves, with the poise of a trapeze artist, has declined to rule out tax increases in the future. (Who can resist leaving the audience guessing?)
Crypto users are, to put it mildly, unamused. On Twitter, one cynic mused whether this is incisive regulation or just government-sponsored peeping through everyone’s piggy banks. 🕵️♂️
Others warn that these new demands will send CEXes hopping over the Channel, taking their digital fortunes—and perhaps their memes—elsewhere.
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2025-07-07 09:59