JPMorgan’s Crypto Kung-Fu: Data Fees, Dirty Tricks & the Chokepoint Smackdown Nobody Asked For

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  • JPMorgan is taking “stranglehold” a bit too literally with their data charges—don’t forget to tip your executioner! 💸
  • Fintech and crypto platforms: High prices, small print, no customers. It’s like a velvet rope club… where nobody wants to get in.
  • Banks caught in the act—again. Somebody call the referee for anti-competitive shenanigans! 🥊

Picture this: The United States, where banks walk around with silk ties and steel nooses. Crypto companies are just trying to get some fresh air, but here comes JPMorgan with their best mob boss impression—“Nice startup ya got there, shame if someone…ruined it.” 💀

Operation Chokepoint 2.0 went out like yesterday’s meatloaf, but did you think the banks would just roll over? Please. They whipped up Chokepoint 3.0—now with extra hidden charges for every little move—like buying a cup of coffee and being charged for the cup, the sleeve, and the existential dread.

a16z’s Alex Rampell blows the whistle, declaring that mighty institutions like JPMorgan Chase are charging library-fine prices for basic info. Want your account and routing number delivered by email? That’ll be $99.95 (plus postage, handling, and your soul). 📃

How Banks Weaponize Fees to Strangle Crypto

This isn’t a business model; it’s professional suffocation! If you want to send $100 to Coinbase or Robinhood, get ready to lose $10 in “just-because-we-can” fees. Welcome to the customer funnel, now with actual crowd control barriers. 🪙

JPMorgan says these policies “protect against misuse,” like a bouncer outside a lemonade stand. But critics say it’s just squeezing the little fintechs until all that’s left is pocket lint and angry Tweets. The smaller companies? They’ll soon be looking under couch cushions for their next round of funding.

Even Gemini’s Tyler Winklevoss is shaking his head, calling this an epic case of regulatory capture. Fun for banks, a horror movie for everyone else.

History Repeats: From Debanking to Data Blocking

Remember Operation Chokepoint 2.0? Here’s the rerun: Banks used to deny crypto businesses accounts. Now, they don’t bother saying “No”—they just slap mammoth fees until companies beg for mercy or take up pottery instead.

Banks now have an “exclusive” club—either you’re blocked out, or you pay a fee so high you develop a fear of digits. Sometimes banks even charge fintechs they actually like! It’s equal-opportunity gouging. Everybody gets to suffer. 🎉

Rampell shouts from the roof about Dodd-Frank Section 1033—supposedly, people have a right to their own bank info. In practice, banks say “ritorno domani”—come back tomorrow, or better yet, never. It’s like a hostage drama where the hostage is your data, and the villain wears a three-piece suit.

Trying to switch banks? May as well try switching airlines with a bag of peanuts. Regulations so tangled, Kafka would give up and go home. 🏛️

Rampell’s pitch to the government: Nobody needs new laws. We just need someone to call out these behind-closed-doors magic tricks for what they are—spoiler alert, it’s not magic. Unless by magic you mean “now you see competition, now you don’t.”

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2025-08-04 00:18