Crypto Bro’s Wild Ride: Torture, Chainsaws & $1M Bail 😱

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  • John Woeltz bailed out using $1M in cryptocurrency—because what’s modern kidnapping without a digital twist? 🚀
  • The victim? An Italian crypto whiz who got burned, sawed, and drugged—but still managed to escape. Survivor of the year contender. 🔥🪚💊
  • The defense? “It was just fraternity hazing, bro.” Yes, that’s apparently a legal argument now. 🤡

After serving a measly two months in jail (think of it as a *very* long timeout), John Woeltz—37, alleged chainsaw-wielding crypto psycho—was freed on a $1 million bond like he’s the protagonist of some deranged HBO true-crime drama.

Prosecutors claim Woeltz and his sidekick, William Duplessie, kidnapped an Italian crypto trader named Michael Valentino Teofrasto Carturan. Translation: someone with a name that sounds like a Renaissance painting and enough Bitcoin to make a small country jealous. Allegedly, the duo tortured him for 17 days to steal a password worth $100 million. That’s right—$100 million. Not chicken nuggets. Not a house. BITCOIN.

Torture or “Just an Over-the-Top House Party”? 🍻🔪

According to court docs, the victim was allegedly:

  • Set on fire 🔥
  • Cut with a chainsaw 🪚
  • Drenched in urine 🧻🤢
  • Forced to do drugs 🚬
  • Hanged five stories down a stairwell (go go gadget arms?) ⬇️
  • Generally treated like he was in an extreme punishment game from hell 🤕

But Woeltz’s lawyer? He says, “Nah, that’s just how we do things at Kappa Psi Sigma Chi Brohamiti.” Or, in legal terms, it was “a consensual party gone wrong.” 🤷‍♂️

Daddy Pays, Celebrity Bondsman Calls

With help from a celebrity bondsman (because even criminals get VIP treatment), Woeltz’s dad put up $1 million to spring his beloved blockchain tormentor—using cash and property like it’s Monopoly money. Woeltz is now under house arrest, which basically means he can’t leave his house unless it’s to flee another crime scene or pick up his emotional-support mattress.

His ankle monitor, I assume, has been set to “maximum snitching mode.” The judge warned him not to tamper with it, which only makes me wonder how many would-be criminals have tried to 3D print their way out of ankle bracelet jail.

Meanwhile, Duplessie—still locked up like the least popular kid at the trial sleepover—has a court date coming up. The two plead not guilty. Of course they do. Who among us hasn’t written a manifesto about stealing other people’s cryptocurrency?

The Dark, Glittery Underbelly of Cryptocurrency

This case is like “Wolf of Wall Street” meets “Saw,” but with NFTs and more urine. It reveals what we all feared: cryptocurrency isn’t just a bubble—it’s a lawless vacuum where fortunes are won, lost, and occasionally carved out with a chainsaw.

Carturan, allegedly the real victim here (unless he’s faking chainsaw scars for sympathy), ran barefoot through Manhattan—a true action-hero moment—to flag down the cops. Heroic doesn’t even cover it. Olympics, eat your heart out. 🏃‍♂️🏅

Even better? Two members of Mayor Eric Adams’ security detail were allegedly involved in *delivering* the guy to his personal nightmare. Oopsie. That’s one way to lose your security clearance. 😬

As the city watches this unfold, one thing’s for sure: the promise of crypto riches continues to bring out the absolute worst in people—like free money with a chainsaw attachment. 🪙🪚

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2025-08-04 02:48