Elon Musk Just Got $29 Billion From Tesla—& You Won’t Believe What’s Next 🤖

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Well, well, well. Look who’s walking away with $29 billion in Tesla stock! If you guessed Elon Musk, congratulations—you win absolutely nothing, but revel in your correct hunch. Reuters reports that Tesla is backing up the Brinks truck to Elon’s driveway, just as the company shifts gears from selling cars that mostly look the same to attempting a full Black Mirror episode with AI and robotics. 🚗 ➡️ 🤖

This mega payday lands right as Tesla’s core electric vehicle business is…let’s say, napping. The world’s most meme-able CEO now has his eyes set on robotaxis and humanoid robots—the kind of project management that screams, “I grew bored halfway through making rocket ships on Saturdays.”

In This Board, We Stan Elon

The Tesla board took to X (formerly known as “Twitter, but make it dad-age”) to spill the tea. Apparently, they’re quite smitten: Elon is described as possessing an “unusual combination of leadership and technical skills.” Don’t we all know a guy like that? Except our guy doesn’t accidentally tank $60 billion in valuation with a single meme.

A Letter to Our Shareholders on the 2025 CEO Interim Award

Dear Fellow Tesla Shareholders,

Today we announce an important first step in compensating Elon Musk for his extraordinary work at Tesla. As you know, Elon has not received meaningful compensation for eight years since…

— Tesla (@Tesla) August 4, 2025

Wait, Where Did $29 Billion Come From? (It Wasn’t Under the Couch Cushions)

This winner-take-all payout is actually part of a spicy 2018 deal—back when we still cared about banana bread and Tiger King. The agreement said, “Hey Elon, if you do big stuff, we’ll shoot you lots of stock.” He did the stuff! But a judge hit pause earlier this year, arguing about fairness or, you know, basic math. Now, shareholders basically said, “YOLO,” and voted for the payout anyway.

The freshly-minted 96 million shares are a “nice gesture,” according to Tesla—immediately becoming the world’s most expensive gesture since Kanye’s wedding. Investors vote again in November to see if Elon gets even more giant checks. (Apparently, the Powerball just isn’t challenging enough for this man.)

Vesting: Not Just for Thanksgiving Turkeys

Plot twist: Elon only gets to keep these shares if he hangs around through 2027. And then he has to hold onto them for five years. (Sorry, day traders.) The only exceptions: taxes and paying a $23.34 per share cost—so he’s basically running his own Costco, but for stocks. There’s also a secret trapdoor: If the court brings back his OG 2018 plan, this flashy new batch of shares shrinks faster than my patience for TikTok finance advice.

The special board committee was all in on this deal, with Robyn Denholm and Kathleen Wilson-Thompson leading the fan club. At this point, they might as well start selling “I <3 Elon” T-shirts in the gigafactory gift shop.

Tesla Stock Bumps, Bitcoin Does Its Thing

Tesla shares did a little two percent happy dance after Elon’s new pay plan dropped. Alas, the stock’s still down 25% this year, thanks to cars nobody’s buying, disgruntled customers, and Elon’s unwavering commitment to expressing every single opinion he has ever had in public. Customer loyalty dipped after he publicly endorsed Trump—because if there’s one thing consumers love in an electric car, it’s a side of unsolicited politics.

Tesla’s Q2 earnings came in at $22.5B revenue and $0.40 EPS, which means Wall Street is sad and possibly stress-eating avocado toast.

But hey, Bitcoin! Tesla gained $284 million in crypto, bringing their digital piggybank up to $1.24 billion. Fun fact: they could have had a lot more if they hadn’t panic-sold most of it in a market dip. Instead, their gains look more like the change you find in a pair of jeans after laundry day.

So, what will Elon say next? The internet is refreshing, popcorn in hand. 🍿

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2025-08-04 17:28