He Said, She Redacted: BofA Boss Blames Bureaucrats for Banking Bedlam! 😱💸

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Picture, if you will, Mr Brian Moynihan-the sphinx-like helmsman of that marble temple named Bank of America-rising like a well-tailored Pericles to swear upon a stack of deposit slips that he does not debank conservatives, radicals, or any other flavour of humanity. 🥂 Heaven forbid! He simply leaves such delicate pruning to our beloved regulators, those celestial gardeners whose pruning shears are as blunt as their memos are opaque. One rather suspects they prune with the same gusto a debutante employs to snip carnations-random, ruthless, and always for one’s own good, darling.

Only last January, President Trump (gold lettering optional) pointed an accusatory orange finger at BofA, declaiming on high that:

“Many conservatives complained that the banks are not allowing them to do business… They don’t take conservative business, and I don’t know if the regulators mandated that because of Biden or what.”

To which the gods of clarity replied with a chorus of bureaucratic throat-clearing. 🤭

Mr Moynihan, sleeker than a freshly-polished brass plaque, now genuflects before the altar of Face the Nation and murmurs:

“We have 70 million consumers… we look at it based on risk… People may feel those decisions are made for some other reason, but we always make it on what’s best for our company…”

Translation: We lend to anyone… right up until the moment we decide not to, which is naturally somebody else’s fault. 🙃

Thus the eternal dance continues: banks bow, regulators wag their regulatory tails, politicians tweet, and the rest of us shuffle our direct-deposit slips like so many anxious Hamlets clutching Yorick’s Visa card. 😵‍💫

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2025-08-05 20:02