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Now, let’s delve into the two dynamics that made this sell-off more entertaining than a cat video on the internet:

He’s not one to be picky: the same audacious fellow tipped the scales an additional half‑mill of the same metal coins called Bitcoin when the coins were dancing at $82,000 a piece.

Responding to the jejune inquiries of XRP holders-who, one suspects, have been rather too long in the sun-Schwartz observed that the notion of XRP’s price soaring like a phoenix from the ashes is about as likely as a camel passing through the eye of a needle. Or, to put it in terms even the most thick-witted investor might grasp, as probable as a 10-fold increase in Bitcoin or Ethereum at their current, bloated sizes.

According to the ever-reliable CoinMarketCap, RLUSD finds itself dangerously flirting with the top 50 crypto assets by market capitalization. Currently standing at a hefty $1.34 billion-and sitting snugly at 52nd place-the stablecoin is apparently in a race that nobody knew was a race. With just about $10 million to spare and only $60 million separating it from the venerable MX Finance, Ripple’s stablecoin seems ready to outpace KuCoin Token, which is perhaps regretting its recent market behavior.

Let’s take a little stroll down memory lane to last Friday. Bitcoin, cocky as ever, tried to break through that elusive $90,000 and even $91,000 resistance level. Spoiler alert: it didn’t happen. Instead, it spent the weekend wading around $89,000 like it was stuck in a kiddie pool. Then, President Trump decided to throw a tantrum, threatening Canada with a hefty 100% tariff. So naturally, BTC decided it was time to nosedive.

In a recent discourse with The Block, SB Seker, the esteemed head of Binance’s APAC division, declared with great solemnity that the resolution of the GoFi imbroglio is their paramount concern. Only once this matter is laid to rest shall they proceed with their grand designs upon the Korean market. One cannot help but admire their strategic acumen, though one might also wonder at the delays occasioned by those ever-vigilant regulators.

In the grand theatre of crypto, a few recent plot twists could breathe a breath of fresh air (or at least a momentary gasp) into the otherwise sombre market.

Meanwhile, the titans of Wall Street-JPMorgan, Citadel, and SIFMA-recently hobnobbed with the SEC, as if to whisper, “Hey, guys, would you mind speeding up just a little?” Apparently, they are quite fond of the idea of perhaps having some rules, or at least knowing what rules they’re playing under. The timing of all this excitement may also hinge on some mysterious crypto legislation dangling in the Senate, yet no one has the faintest idea when it might emerge from the legislative fog.

In a matter of less than 48 hours, the crypto market has graciously shed about $200 billion, triggering the largest liquidation cascade of the year-just shy of a melodrama worthy of the silver screen-totaling around $1.8 billion, with a staggering 95% of those liquidations coming from longs. Longs, it seems, were the unwitting stars of this tragicomedy.

On a foggy Thursday, Sasha Mills, the glittering star of money magic at the BoE, announced they’re on a quest to tame the wild stablecoins-the horse that might gallop faster than real cash. With a twinkle in her eye, she explained that the regulators are now baby-sitting these digital darlings to make sure they don’t go rogue and turn into financial monsters from a bedtime story.