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Now, let’s turn our gaze towards our star, Zhimin Qian, 47, a Chinese national who has just taken the stage at Southwark Crown Court, where she so gallantly confessed to acquiring and possessing her ill-gotten gains in the form of cryptocurrency. Under the ever-watchful Proceeds of Crime Act, she has deftly pirouetted into the world of fraud, charming over 128,000 victims between 2014 and 2017 before converting their heartache into Bitcoin. Quite a job she’s done, I dare say! 💃

As the esteemed Maartunn of CryptoQuant’s digital den of madness cryptically proclaimed on X, the Bitcoin Open Interest has surged like a caffeinated squirrel on a trampoline. Let us clarify: Open Interest is that mystical number tracking BTC positions on derivatives exchanges. A rising number? More bets, more leverage, more chaos. A falling number? Either traders are sighing in relief or being liquidated like so many overconfident fools. 🤡

Sui’s netflows, like a leaky boat, show $11.35 million in outflows, but don’t fret-this is just the whales filling their pockets with ENA. 🐋💼 Whales, those mysterious creatures of the crypto sea, added 12M ENA, making everyone wonder if they’ve found a treasure map. 🧭💎

Regulators from Alabama to Montana have hit the panic button, warning that the bill could “diminish their ability to pursue wrongdoers.” Amanda Senn, director of the Alabama Securities Commission, pointed out that the bill doesn’t grant state regulators the power to supervise digital asset companies. Meanwhile, federal enforcement against crypto companies has been practically nonexistent since Trump took office in January. 📉

If regulators give the thumbs-up, CME would become the first major U.S.-regulated exchange to offer around-the-clock access to crypto derivatives, basically DeFi without the disco ball. Or maybe with it. Who knows? 🤔

While WIF’s price has retreated from its former glory of $1.39 back in September (oh, how the mighty fall!), it’s still managing to hold onto some support levels. Buyers, though not particularly zealous, are still showing up-perhaps not to party, but at least to avoid missing the next big thing. 🐾

Ethereum’s $100 billion TVL leadership stands like a king on a throne of jelly, while everyone else nips at its heels with fees as low as a snake’s belly. 😂

Day three of the government shutdown, and it seems the markets didn’t get the memo. While stocks are mostly doing well, the tech sector, however, seems to have forgotten its way-Palantir Technologies (Nasdaq: PLTR) dropped a cool 7% on Friday. Meanwhile, the broader crypto market has ballooned to nearly $4.2 trillion, a 1.48% jump from yesterday, and Bitcoin (BTC) is practically sniffing its all-time high from behind the curtain. Only $2,000 to go, give or take a hundred or so. 💰

Its booth, a beacon of defiance, drew more attention than a three-headed Zaphod Beeblebrox at a galactic fashion show. Oleg Ogienko, the token’s regulatory affairs director, even took the stage-briefly, before references to the company were stealthily erased from the event’s website on Thursday. Poof! Like a towel snatched by the Hitchhiker’s Guide itself. 🧘‍♂️✨

September wasn’t just any month-it was the grand finale of a fiscal year that would make even the most cynical spreadsheet nerd swoon. CleanSpark hit a massive 50 exahashes per second (EH/s)-which, if you don’t know, sounds like the name of a sci-fi weapon but is actually something very, very fast. They also gobbled up GRIID Infrastructure (because who doesn’t want to own things?), boosted their Bitcoin-backed credit line by $200 million, and started dabbling in derivatives to hedge volatility. In layman’s terms: they’re playing Wall Street with digital pennies and feeling pretty smug about it.