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The blockchain equivalent of watching paint dry occurred when USDT transfers via TRON did their best impression of an enthusiastic golden retriever – leaping from $1.5 billion to $2.9 billion in a week. Because nothing says “financial revolution” like Binance handling 70% of this earth-shattering volume. 🐕‍🦺

In a world where even your grandma’s crypto portfolio is yelling “buy!”, Hedera [HBAR] decided to throw a 23% party and forget to invite the bouncers of sanity.

To fund this madness, Bit Origin will use two methods: $400 million in equity financing (because why not?) and $100 million in convertible bonds (because debt is fun when it’s not yours). They’ve already scraped together $15 million, which they’ll use to buy their first batch of DOGE—presumably before the price does another backflip.

Institutional inflows, they murmur. Regulatory clarity. Investor confidence. Bah! Empty phrases for those who’ve seen bubbles burst and fortunes vanish like smoke. Still, the market capitalization swelled, jumping from a paltry $185 billion to over $215 billion in a handful of days. Billions traded… it’s a frantic dance of greed and hope, isn’t it? A fever dream dressed up in charts and graphs.

BitMine announced that they’ve gathered approximately $1 billion in value of the second most valuable cryptocurrency by market capitalization, following their successful completion of a $250 million private investment round aimed at bolstering their Ethereum financial plan.

So there’s XRP, hitting a new all-time high like it just graduated at the top of its class after a seven-year study—who knew crypto could finally grow up? The last time it flirted with greatness, it was back in 2018, just before every briefcase-toting finance bro decided they were a crypto expert.

Canary Capital has submitted a filing to the US. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) for an ETF linked to Injective’s native token, INJ. The proposed fund, called the Canary Staked INJ ETF, would track the token’s price and also pass staking rewards to shareholders.

Polymarket, where nothing is sacred and everything is a gamble, has decided to let its users bet on the deeply personal lives of the rich and powerful. The latest target? The potential divorce between Andy Byron, CEO of Astronomer, and his alleged future ex-wife, Kristin Cabot, the company’s Chief People Officer. The speculation hit fever pitch when the two were caught on the kiss cam at a Coldplay concert, and the internet—bless it—took it from there, of course.

Indeed, Bitcoin [BTC], in a most gallant fashion, hath reached an all-time high after many moons of steady ascent. But lo and behold! The signs of sluggishness rear their humble heads, indicating a likely pause or a playful jolt backward before the grand next act!

Over the past four weeks, Ethereum [ETH] has been on a bullish streak, gaining 35%. The uptrend continued over the past 24 hours, with the asset posting a double-digit gain of just above 10%. 📈