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Monday saw the Nasdaq, S&P 500, and even gold hit all-time highs, but bitcoin has climbed up more cautiously as the crypto market braces for what may be the first interest rate cut in 2025 after the Fed emerges from its two-day meeting, which starts today and ends with Fed Chair Jerome Powell’s press conference tomorrow. It’s like watching a toddler learn to walk while everyone’s holding their breath-except the toddler is wearing a suit and has a PhD in economics.

Pray, cast thine eyes upon the chart from TradingView, where a descending triangle hath formed since XRP’s lofty ascent to $3.66. A pattern most dire, marked by a stubborn support and a resistance line that slopes downward like a scoundrel’s luck. ‘Tis a sign of doom, I say! 🌊

It’s that time of year when the Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC) holds a meeting to pretend to decide the fate of the economy while Bitcoin, like an anxious teenager, waits for the verdict. This Tuesday marks the start of a two-day meeting, and investors are bracing for a Wednesday that could either launch Bitcoin to the moon or leave it stuck in traffic. Bitcoin hit an all-time high of $124,533 in August, before slipping to $109,907 (because why not?) on September 1. But don’t worry, it’s back in action, trading between $114,395 and $116,833 – at least it’s trying! 😅

Tom Lee, the sage of Fundstrat Global Advisors, appeared on CNBC, his voice dripping with the confidence of a man who’s seen the future-or at least, a very convincing chart. “A monster move,” he proclaimed, his eyes gleaming like a cat in a canary factory. Bitcoin and Ethereum, he says, are not mere assets; they are barometers of liquidity, ready to leap like a startled hare at the first sign of a rate cut. Three months, he predicts, and the world will gasp. Or laugh. Only time will tell. 🤡📈

Bitcoin Derivatives are overheating like a summer day in the Sahara, and traders are stacking massive long clusters, making a remarkable imitation of 2024’s setup. Because, who doesn’t love a good déjà vu?

According to Google’s blog (which I’m sure you all read religiously), this cash splash is part of their grand plan to boost AI, cloud services, and cybersecurity. Because, let’s face it, who doesn’t love a bit of cybersecurity? It’s like the Brussels sprouts of the tech world – good for you, even if you’re not entirely sure why. 🥦🔒 They’re also promising thousands of jobs, which is nice, though I’m still waiting for my invitation to become Chief Meme Officer. 🏢💼

This Tuesday morning’s spectacle, hosted by Sen. Cynthia Lummis and Rep. Nick Begich-Republican champions of the BITCOIN Act-promises a full cast of crypto aristocrats: Strategy’s own Saylor, Fundstrat’s oracle Tom Lee, Cardano’s illustrious Charles Hoskinson, Bitdeer’s harbinger Haris Basit, Riot’s wrangler Brian Morgenstern, and Cleanspark’s commander Matt Schultz. If this were a novel, one might call it a veritable League of Extraordinary Cryptos.

By Shayan, the galactic chart whisperer.

Behold! The report proclaims that dormant addresses-those digital tombs where BTC lies entombed for seven years-orphaned of movement, and the corporate titans hoarding 1,000 BTC like Scrooge McDuck in a blockchain vault-shall unite to claim 6 million coins. A supply shock so profound, it could make the Tsar’s Decembrists weep. Or perhaps laugh? The chaos is sublime. 😂

Out of the gray fog where Bitcoin and Ethereum play their eternal game of tug-of-war, like weary old men who forgot why they started, emerges Solana-swift, promising, and disturbingly efficient. The market, a congregation of nervous souls, is collectively holding its breath as if awaiting a verdict from the omnipotent Fed we never elected. Wednesday’s rate decision looms ahead like a portentous thunderclap in a sky too quiet.