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Ethereum spot ETFs, much to the dismay of their investors, posted $38.2 million in net outflows on the third of September, marking the third consecutive day of redemptions. According to the ever-so-reliable SoSoValue data, the day’s negative balance was largely driven by BlackRock’s ETHA fund, which recorded outflows of about $151 million. One can only imagine the consternation this must have caused among the fund’s managers. 😬

Of course, everyone’s expecting signs of a cooling job market because apparently, when it comes to jobs, “cool” is now code for “slower.” And if that happens, well, brace yourselves for potential interest rate cuts, stock rallies, and Bitcoin moonshots-or so the optimists say. But hey, this is crypto; nothing ever goes according to plan. 😉

According to DefiLlama (yes, that’s a real thing), Pump.fun surpassed Hyperliquid on September 4th. Imagine Hyperliquid’s face when they saw the numbers-probably the same look I had when I realized I’d been putting my shoes on the wrong feet for a week. 👟👟

Legend has it that this kindly serpent of a wallet last stirred up the waters of the virtual tavern in the early days of 2012-back when the mysterious Satoshi Nakamoto waved farewell to our quaint Bitcoin bazaars, likely off to chase unicorns or trade dragon eggs.

Crypto sage Elan Mint, a man who probably owns a cape and a crystal ball, declared with the gravitas of a prophet:

Imagine! Galaxy Digital, in an exquisitely choreographed dance, dispatched these ether-filled parcels, averaging between 2,200 to 3,300 ETH each – like a generous uncle handing out horseradish at a family feast. One can’t help but marvel at such munificence wrapped in cryptographic finery.

Now, it appears, one can acquire these digital simulacra of Apple, Nvidia, and the enigmatic QQQ. These tokens, they claim, are backed by actual securities held in the vaults of proper, registered broker-dealers. One can mint and redeem them at any hour of the day, five days of the week – as if human beings require access to financial instruments at 3 AM! They can be shuffled between wallets, exchanged on crypto platforms, and even… *shudders*… integrated into decentralized finance protocols. This great privilege (or folly?) is bestowed upon the qualified investors of Asia-Pacific, Europe, Africa, and Latin America. But for the Americans? Nothing. A deliberate exclusion, perhaps, to spare them from utter chaos. 🙄

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a cryptocurrency in possession of a bullish crowd must be in want of a bearish turn. 🐟 The esteemed holders of Cardano, once prone to exuberant optimism, now wear faces long enough to rival a funeral procession-marking sentiment lower than a country mouse at a ball. 🎭 Yet, in a twist most curious, ADA’s price hath risen 5%, as if mocking their despair! Analysts, those ever-wise scribes of the blockchain age, whisper that when the common trader sells in frustration (bless their imprudent hearts), the patient whales 🐋 and seasoned gentry quietly scoop up the crumbs. Should this bearishness persist, one might fancy it a covert auction, where the “little fish” flee in panic while the “leviathans” dine heartily. A most delicate dance, indeed! 😉

However, experts warn that the legislation will significantly disrupt cryptocurrency trading, especially for small exchange offices and peer-to-peer platforms that rely heavily on cash. It’s like trying to run a bakery when the flour has been replaced with sawdust. The Central Bank of Russia has outlined behavioral indicators for flagging suspicious activity, including unusual ATM usage, sudden changes in phone activity, and large intra-account transfers. Legal experts say these measures will force crypto exchangers to overhaul their operations, increase transaction times, and face greater scrutiny. Imagine having to explain to your cat why it’s taking so long to buy that new digital fish 🐟.

The World Gold Council (WGC), along with a law firm that probably spends more time drafting contracts than actually trading gold, and a boutique advising firm with a name that sounds like a fancy coffee shop, announced on September 3rd a shiny new idea: Wholesale Digital Gold. Think of it as turning your gold bar into a digital Tinder profile-“fractional ownership, secure transfer, and the ability to use it as collateral, all without leaving your pajamas.” Pretty groundbreaking, or just a very expensive way to look busy.