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The wallets, nicknamed “0x58797” and “0x00a63”-which, I concede, sound like the product of an especially tedious cipher-initially received their bounty from the same generous hand, only to lie in wait, like a fox in the henhouse, until a single day’s activity summoned them back to life and dispatched their treasure toward the illustrious offshore exchange, OKX. One might suspect, with a tinge of skepticism-and perhaps with a pinch of admiration-that much ambition resides behind this sudden burst. 😉

SoFi (SOFI) has launched a U.S. dollar stablecoin, SoFiUSD, because why not make money transfers feel like a leisurely stroll instead of a marathon? It’s aiming to make your financial transactions as smooth as butter on a hot pancake.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics, those keepers of the numerical flame, delivered their report on Thursday. The CPI, usually a roaring lion, purred like a kitten. Economists, with their charts and graphs, had predicted a 3.1% climb, but the beast had other plans. The core rate, excluding the volatile food and energy, followed suit, falling to 2.6%. It’s as if the economy decided to take a nap. 😴

Liquidity, that fickle old friend, has left town, leaving Bitcoin to dance alone in the moonlight. Every step-a stumble. Every sale, a cannonball into a pond of whispers. And yet, the beast grows tamer by the day, tethered to the whims of traditional markets. Sell here, buy there-it’s all just a fancy game of hot potato with higher stakes and fewer potatoes.

Bitcoin has formed its fifth Golden Cross since 2020, a technical signal often followed by significant price rallies. Despite low market sentiment (because why not?), analysts suggest Bitcoin could rise by 45%-50%, potentially reaching $130,000. Let’s call it “optimistic chaos.”

The inaugural Blockchain 100 Award, a testament to those who, with the diligence of a scribe, promote crypto to the masses, thereby propelling the Web3 industry forward. A noble endeavor, though one might wonder if the organizers have ever considered a career in theatre. 🎭

In the heart of Norway, where the cold winds whisper tales of old and the snowflakes dance like whispers of the past, a peculiar event has transpired. Travel Retail Norway, that most venerable of duty-free chains, has dared to embrace the digital age, allowing passengers to pay for their purchases with Bitcoin-a currency as enigmatic … Read more

Four times a year, the market collectively hits snooze on common sense: March, June, September, December. During these spectacular events, stock index futures, options, and their cryptic cousins all decide to expire simultaneously-kind of like a family reunion where nobody’s really happy to see each other. And lo and behold, Bitcoin options and futures like to join the fun, making it a full-blown circus. 🤡

If ETH keeps tanking, whales will have to choose between selling at breakeven (aka “I’m fine, I’m fine”) or losing money so hard they’ll consider a side hustle selling crypto memes at the grocery store.

One group adds to their hoard, another trims with cautious fingers, and a third-well, they’re about as decided as a donkey between two bales of hay. 🌽🤷‍♂️