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In a move that surprised absolutely no one who’s been paying attention to Stripe’s crypto shopping spree, the team behind Valora is packing their bags and heading to Stripe HQ. Valora founder Jackie Bona, in a blog post that was probably written while sipping a latte made from blockchain-verified beans, said, “We’ve seen firsthand how access to stablecoins and crypto rails can expand economic opportunity.” Translation: “We saw Stripe’s wallet and got excited.” 🤑

Let’s be real-accepting crypto is not just a cool thing to do anymore. Customers expect it. You want to stay in business, don’t you? Well, crypto payments are the key to being the modern, savvy business owner your customers deserve. Plus, with a solid payment processor, it’s easier than a Sunday morning.

Q1 was déjà vu all over again. They missed by $22 million, proving that 2025 is the year GameStop mastered the art of “meh.” And remember when they pivoted to Bitcoin? The stock briefly hit $35, then crashed harder than a gamer’s hopes during a server outage. 🕹️🔥

To add some drama to the mix, the unrealized profit of a mere $19 million comes after the company took a hit of $9.4 million when Bitcoin’s value plummeted to a meager $80K. Oh, the thrill of investing in a volatile asset. GameStop, however, confirmed that it didn’t make any further buys or sales during Q3. Maybe they were too busy playing Call of Duty to bother with Bitcoin. 🎮

Enter Kevin Hassett, a man who could easily moonlight as a fortune-teller or perhaps a prophet of Babylon, whispering sweet nothings about “plenty of room” for interest rate cuts. A true contender for Fed chair, he’s making a case that we’re just warming up-like a cat eyeing a fish-ready to pounce again on those rates. Meanwhile, our dear Jerome Powell has been criticized for dragging his heels, apparently more interested in playing chess with the economy than opening doors to riches.

“Uncertainty about the economic outlook remains elevated,” says the Fed-because what’s not uncertain these days? They’re also saying, “Hey, maybe job stuff is a bit more risky than usual,” while acting as if everything’s perfectly fine. Classic.

In the cold, sterile chambers of San Francisco, a startup-an anarchic child of ambition-has conjured up a specter called Surf. Led by the shadowy figure of Pantera Capital, with dabblings from Coinbase Ventures and DCG-capitalists eager to chase the next spectral coin-they spill their secrets in a press release that reads more like a confession than a proclamation.

The FSA (Japanese regulators, bless their hearts) thinks it’s high time to give crypto a tidy little makeover, shuffling it from mere payment novelty to serious investment play. They’re tossing it into the same pot as stocks and bonds, probably with a dash of sake for good measure. 🍣

The team, in their infinite wisdom, offers 10% of the token supply, with a soft cap of 300 SOL and a hard cap of 800 SOL. Per-wallet limits? A mere 20 SOL. How very democratic! Or is it a cruel joke, restricting the masses while the whales sip champagne in their crypto-lounges? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: the early birds shall be devoured by the hawks, and the hawks… well, they’ll probably sell on the first day.

Hold on tight, decentralized exchanges (DEXs) are finally fixing those headaches we’ve been complaining about for years. Fast trading? Yes, please. But at what cost? Enter Brevis, the zero-knowledge (ZK) proof provider, and AsterDEX, a DEX that could actually work without exposing your trading secrets. This partnership promises to tackle speed, security, and privacy-three words no one thought could coexist peacefully. 🌍