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Just days ago, our hero-let’s call them “ETH Enthusiast Extraordinaire”-was sitting pretty with $29.6 million, thanks to some aggressive long positions on Hyperliquid. Their 66,749 ETH stash was worth a cool $303 million, and they’d locked in $6.86 million in profit. Life was good. Champagne was popped. But then, as if the universe whispered, “Not so fast, buddy,” they decided to double down. 🚀🔥

This little scheme will reportedly get its moment in the spotlight at the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation (SCO) Summit in Tianjin later this month. The plan? To convince everyone that the yuan should be the belle of the trade settlement ball. 🎉💃

So how does this magic happen? Simple. Pump.fun charges a neat 1% fee on all token swaps. Before the grand debut of PumpSwap (its own decentralized exchange), it raked in fees when tokens “graduated” from Pump to Raydium after reaching certain market heights. They got in on the memecoin action early-think of it as being the first one to show up at a party where everyone is bringing free pizza. 🍕

Here, in a gesture reminiscent of a Dostoevskian protagonist caught between faith and reason (or simply a bear market and a bull), Polkadot Capital Group scuttles forth, tugged in by the siren call of “institutional demand” and that most mysterious of blessings, “regulatory clarity”-a phrase so enigmatic, you might expect it to be uttered only in the confessionals of Wall Street, right before a trader sobs into his fifth espresso.

Remember FTX? Oh wait, you probably don’t want to. After its spectacular collapse, along with Celsius and other custodial giants, the crypto masses embraced self-custody like never before. But here’s the twist: traditional seed phrases-the sacred scrolls of crypto-are now being replaced by something even more mystical: seedless recovery. Yes, folks, it’s as magical as it sounds. ✨

With the sellers back in the saddle, the poor altcoin is under the cosh and looking about as perky as a wet weekend in Worthing. That coveted $0.50 mark? Well, it’s looking as distant as Aunt Agatha’s sense of humor. 😓💔

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Analysts, ever the optimists, now suggest this mass panic might be the universe’s way of whispering, “Hey, wanna buy some crypto?” after years of cryptic hints. Because nothing says “buy low” like watching your savings evaporate into the void.

Oh, poor Bitcoin. It’s like watching a once-mighty gladiator trip over his own sandals. According to the liquidation heatmap (yes, we have heatmaps now-how fancy!), Bitcoin and Ethereum got their long positions absolutely obliterated, while smaller tokens were crushed under short liquidations. Bybit and Binance? They’re basically the arenas where these digital gladiators fight to the death-or deletion. 😈

The result? A most delightful surge of double- and even triple-digit gains, as if the heavens themselves have aligned to grant meme coin enthusiasts a season of sheer delight and possibility.