qfx “While the Trump Administration is letting crypto bros write federal policy,” Pritzker announced with all the gravitas of someone who just read the spell book, “Illinois is rolling out common-sense protections for investors and consumers.” Because apparently, *common sense* isn’t just for middle school debate tournaments anymore.
On August 18, the regulator filed notices extending its review period for these applications. Among them? The Truth Social Bitcoin and Ethereum ETF-because who wouldn’t want to mix crypto with a dash of political theater? There’s also the spot Solana ETFs from 21Shares and Bitwise, plus the 21Shares Core XRP Trust. New decision dates? October 8 for Truth Social, October 16 for Solana, and October 19 for XRP. Mark your calendars, folks-it’s going to be a nail-biter. Or not. 😴
Reports of a horse thief – er, mining pool – rounding up 51% of the hash power enjoyed a fair share of whispers. Though no wallets lighter yet, history’s looking over the horizon with Uncle Tom’s foreboding scowl 🧐.
Sure, Bitcoin ETFs still carry the heavyweight belt, but Ethereum’s new trick – those rushing inflows – has everyone eyeing the prize like a raccoon eyeing the trash can. Like a kid with a shiny new toy, markets are drawn to Ethereum’s sparkle, all while Bitcoin watches from its throne, maybe rolling its virtual eyes.
Rekt Fencer (yes, the founder of X DAO, because why not have a name that sounds like a medieval knight?) has boldly declared, “$LINK IS GOING TO $300 THIS CYCLE.” Now, I can’t help but imagine him perched atop a majestic mountain, gazing into the distance, dreaming of his crypto fortune. He points to integrations with SWIFT, Visa, and Mastercard, arguing that Chainlink is becoming the golden bridge to the world of decentralized finance and tokenized real-world assets. But, ah, the plot thickens-supply on exchanges is disappearing faster than my willpower in a bakery. 🍞
So, Strategy Inc., AKA the Gollum of Bitcoin (because “My Precious!”), has gone ahead and added 430 BTC to its hoard for a cool $51.4 million. That’s about $119,666 per Bitcoin. Michael Saylor, their chairman and resident Bitcoin evangelist, announced it on X (formerly Twitter) faster than you can say “crypto bro.” 😎 As of now, they’ve got 629,376 BTC-yes, you read that right-worth around $46.15 billion. Their average buy-in price? A mere $73,320 per Bitcoin. Basically, they’re turning into the Warren Buffett of digital gold. 🪙✨
Scene 1: Larry David walks into a Bitcoin conference.
“One percent? ONE PERCENT? These guys want to own 210 thousand coins? I can’t even find one coin behind my couch cushions! Europe, let me explain-having ‘only’ the currency of WorldCoin is embarrassing enough; now you’re cornering digital gold? That’s like hoarding all the decent matzo before Passover. Pretty, pretty, greedy!”
Instead of mooning (pun intended), DOGE plummeted from $0.24 to $0.22 in 24 hours. That’s a 6% drop, folks. SIX PERCENT. It’s like watching someone trip over their own shoelaces after announcing they’re training for a marathon. Intraday volatility spiked at 7%, because apparently midday rallies are just there to give us false hope before late-session selloffs crush our spirits.
Apparently, after much ado, Binance claims they’ve sorted out the mess-what a miracle! The mighty team has scraped together enough good will to send the long-lost 150 million PLUME tokens to the deserving. Who those deserving are, you ask? Well, those noble souls who bravely held BNB in Simple Earn or on their trusty yield farming steeds during the sacred window from July 24 to July 28, 2025. Yep, just as planned-if you believed in time travel, that is. 🤖
These two proposals first graced the SEC’s desk back in November 2024 and January of this year, respectively. And, like a turtle with a Netflix subscription, the SEC acknowledged them both in February-but only to ensure we all know they’re capable of reading calendars. 📅🐢
