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According to Bloomberg – who apparently didn’t get the “I’m retired” memo like the rest of us – as of December 2, Vanguard customers can now trade crypto-focused funds. Surprise! They include Bitcoin (BTC), Ethereum (ETH), XRP, and Solana (SOL). Not Shiba Inu, mind you. That would be ridiculous. Or… wait, no, actually, it wouldn’t. But more on that later. 😒
The weekend did no favors, pushing Bitcoin just under $85,500, as if the market was playing a game of hide and seek with confidence, and macroeconomic uncertainty sat there, grinning mischievously. Because why not?
For those of you keeping score at home, this marks the company hitting two-thirds of its highly ambitious “Alchemy of 5%” goal. (Yes, they really called it that, because apparently “Hoarding ETH Like a Boss” wasn’t quite dramatic enough.) The company’s treasure chest is now worth a mind-boggling $12.1 billion. This includes 192 Bitcoin (BTC), valued at $86,752 each (yes, really-your coffee budget is now officially irrelevant), a $36 million stake in Eightco Holdings, and $882 million in free cash-because why not have a little extra for a rainy day? ☔
The 2024 halving came and went, yet 2025 has refused to deliver the expected fireworks. No blow-off top, no altcoin season, just the quiet rustling of leaves in the crypto forest. 🍃 Where, oh where, has the cycle gone?
An overnight crash in the price of bitcoin combined with a difficult to digest capital raise to send Strategy (MSTR) shares tumbling 12.5% to their weakest level in nearly 15 months in U.S. morning trading on Monday. 🚨
Canary Capital, one of the first asset managers to launch a spot XRP ETF in the U.S., claims its product, XRPC, has hit $336 million in net assets under management (AUM). Steven McClurg, founder of Canary Capital, attributed this to “rising investor demand,” which is either a miracle or a very clever spreadsheet.
Now, here’s where it gets really fun: their total Bitcoin stash has now ballooned to a whopping 650,000 BTC. That’s a lot of digital currency to juggle. I mean, forget about the stock market-this is the kind of investment strategy that makes even Elon Musk raise an eyebrow. The average cost of these shiny new Bitcoin coins? Just around $74,436 each. Don’t worry, it gets better: they’ve invested a cool $48.38 billion in this grand digital treasure hunt. Yep, that’s not a typo-billion with a B. 🎉
In an unexpected plot twist, the Lazarus Group has decided to up their game by enlisting the help of artificial intelligence. You see, one of their units, going by the name of Kimsuky, has taken it upon themselves to create military ID images so convincing that they could fool even the most vigilant of security experts. These masterworks of deception were then slipped inside ZIP files like a Trojan horse, hoping the unsuspecting target would take the bait.
As this chronicle is penned, Aave [AAVE] writhes at $166, a 10.17% daily loss etched into its soul, a testament to the bearish hordes that have swarmed it. Investors, those poor souls who once danced in bullish optimism, now scurry like rats from a sinking ship, their panic palpable even to the most tone-deaf observer. Whales, those leviathans of liquidity, have joined the exodus, their transactions a dirge of despair.
Crypto is so unthinkably huge at the moment, a nearly $4 trillion industry that’s aiming for world domination. One might say it is the modern Prometheus, stealing fire from the gods of finance and tossing it into the hands of the masses-though perhaps with a few more memes and fewer existential crises.
