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In a press release that could only be described as a love letter to the crypto community, BOB, self-proclaimed “Gateway to Bitcoin DeFi,” announced its latest fundraising success. Since December of last year, the project has seen a surge in support, with the latest $9.5 million round significantly boosting its coffers and welcoming new allies to the cause. 🎉🤝

The price, glimmering now at a trembling 17-day high of $3.35, surges as if yanked upward by unseen marionette strings-caught between on-chain prophecy and technical tea leaves that assure us, “But wait, the party’s just begun!”

And yet, like every tragic hero, Block must endure the mockery of markets. A $212 million “revaluation loss”! The price dips, the crowd jeers, spreadsheets weep blood-red negative numbers. But ah, the comedy: gross profit ascends 14% to $2.54 billion, as if to say the devil always pays his actors double for the final act. 🤡

The 50-hour SMA crossed above the 200-hour SMA, confirming a golden cross on the hourly chart, indicating that short-term selling pressure is waning. Ah, the sweet relief of a market that’s no longer trying to flee in terror! 😅

President Trump, in a move that makes you wonder if retirement plans are now part of a giant game show, has signed an executive order to include Bitcoin, crypto, and all manner of hedge-fund-y types into 401(k) plans. Because, apparently, nothing says “secure future” like digital assets with more volatility than your Aunt Mabel’s age-defying moisturizer. 😂

As of July 24, 2025, these galactic financiers are sitting on a cool $731.1 million in holdings. That’s $541.64 million in blockchain reserves (because who doesn’t like a good stash?) and $189.46 million tucked away with partners. Meanwhile, their Crypto Investor Protection Fund (CIPF) ballooned to ₹69.74 crore, a 16% jump from June. Because, you know, even space cowboys need a safety net. 🌌

Behold! The Bitcoin short-term holders have curbed their insatiable appetite for profit-taking as prices hover near $115,000. Glassnode, that oracle of blockchain metrics, whispers sweet nothings about a “relatively balanced position,” even as the market flirts with pullbacks from its giddy all-time highs. Balanced? Perhaps. But one wonders if this is the calm before the storm-or just another episode of crypto’s perpetual drama. 🌩️

In this grand collaboration, the federal Securities and Commodities Authority (SCA) and Dubai’s Virtual Assets Regulatory Authority (VARA) are joining forces faster than you can say “decentralized finance.” A license from either VARA in Dubai or the SCA elsewhere will now work across the UAE, saving crypto enthusiasts from the bureaucratic tango of multiple approvals. Hallelujah! 🙌

👁️) look positively prehistoric.