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According to the latest reports (which one suspects were penned by a ghostwriter with a penchant for hyperbole), Mr. Trump has advised his followers on X to “scoop up” their coins. Having previously made such a recommendation in February—when the market, in its capricious nature, did indeed respond to his counsel with a 14% ascent for Bitcoin and an 18% flourish for Ethereum—he now repeats the performance with the air of a man who has discovered the secret to eternal youth. His faith in crypto, one might say, is as unshakable as a man’s faith in his own reflection.

Each fresh startup has crafted its very own EVM-compatible Virtual Chain—think of it as a bespoke digital tennis bracelet, but for blockchain nerds—on Aurora’s Cloud Console. It’s the tool of choice for the developer set who prefer the “plug-and-play” life, swapping out the old hassle for instant, customizable decentralized networks faster than you can say “scalability crisis.”

Deaton, ever the sage, dropped this wisdom on X (formerly known as Twitter, because why not rename everything in the universe?). He noted that while Circle and Ripple are expected to bask in the glory of this legislation, Ethereum could be the real MVP. 🏆 Why? Well, thanks to the relentless efforts of Fundstrat and Ethereum’s co-founder Joseph Lubin, who are basically the Avengers of the crypto world, pushing ETH to the center of this regulatory revolution. 🦸‍♂️🦸‍♀️

Enter Kalshi, that cheeky betting chappie over at X (née Twitter), shouting “CRYPTO BANNED!” in all caps louder than a toddler at a nap time protest 🚨. First Squawk joined the chaos like it was Black Friday sales. The headline? A masterpiece of panic: “CAPITAL FLIGHT! ENVIRONMENTAL DOOM!” Views? 800k. Accuracy? Zero. 🤷‍♂️

As of August , Ethereum is trading around $,, which is roughly the price of a fancy dinner for two 🍴. But what’s really interesting is that it’s bounced back from the EMA on the daily chart, a bullish indication if I ever saw one 🐂. And those multiple weekly moving averages? They’re like a layered defense system, protecting Ethereum from any significant damage 🛡️.

Liz Ann Sonders, chief investment strategist at Charles Schwab and someone who probably knows more about money than most of us will ever see, dropped some wisdom on the Excess Returns YouTube channel. She says investors are oddly comforted by a Fed that acts like your stubborn uncle at Thanksgiving dinner: unmoved by political pressure (even from President Trump) and laser-focused on its mandate of low inflation and maximum employment. Who knew stubbornness could be so endearing? 🦺

On the first day of August, the likelihood that the Federal Reserve—who are to interest rates what stern governesses are to unruly children—would in September slash those rates, leapt to 80%. Only days earlier, the chance had been about as skinny as the honest man’s wallet after a night at the Moscow clubs: down by 20%. Bitcoin, ever the mistress to chance, thrilled at this new hope. 

Peirce herself, armed with a notepad and (we imagine) a measure of resignation, leads these efforts. She seeks the voices buried beneath stacks of regulation—a Dostoyevskian cast of little-known, barely-funded entrepreneurial souls. The chosen are under two years old and number fewer than ten. “Why only these?” you ask. Because, dear reader, those with too many employees are already lost to the halls of Congress.

Now, their settlement infrastructure is like a buffet of currencies and chains. Stellar and Avalanche are joining the party along with Ethereum and Solana. It’s a blockchain bonanza! 🎉

This calamity began with an enchanted ERC-20 approval, conjured, no doubt, by the wiles of a nefarious phishing specter or the promise of a dubiously generous airdrop. Thus, the rogue wallet, named “0x67E5Ae,” was handed keys to the safe—permanently. One can almost hear the villain twirling his digital moustache.