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Source: fiscal year 2026 Report (because yes, we’re already living in the future).

Wall Street had a little party on Monday, but then someone spilled the punch. 🥳🍾 The Dow Jones was like, “Nah, I’m good,” and dipped 0.10%, while the S&P 500 was all, “I’m almost there, guys!” and inched up 0.03%. Nasdaq, the cool kid, flexed with a 0.29% gain. 🤓📈

Picture this: a $86 billion giant called IBIT, the biggest Bitcoin ETF on the planet, now doing more volume than all of those bond and emerging market ETFs combined—like the prom king having his moment on the dance floor. People are so hooked, they’re using options to hedge their bets, akin to buying insurance for a car you’re pretty sure will explode, but in a really fancy way. Rocky Fishman, a guy with more initials than a spy novel, said it’s rare for an ETF to develop a bustling options market so quickly—eight months in, and it’s already the Meryl Streep of trading (or at least the Brad Pitt).

Traders, those eternal optimists, are glued to the $1.368 mark, treating it like the gatecrasher at a posh party that might just let in a horde of gains. Meanwhile, at this very moment, the daily chart’s technical tomfoolery—indicators and all—whispers of growing hoards of buyers flexing their muscles. 💪

VINE, the meme coin that’s as flaky as a poorly baked croissant, soared to $0.17, with daily volume spiking to $842 million—enough to buy a small island (if you’re into that sort of thing) 🏝️. A 322% increase in volume? It’s as if the entire crypto world suddenly remembered they had a bank account 🤯.

Valued at a cool $110 billion, this Nasdaq darling (IBKR) is flirting with the idea of issuing a stablecoin, but hasn’t quite decided if it will craft one in-house or borrow a page from another’s playbook. According to Peterffy, who spoke to Reuters reporter Anirban Sen, “We’re weighing our options, dear, but we haven’t quite decided on the final act yet.”

The company, ever the indecisive court jester, has not yet sealed this plan in blood or ink. Thomas Peterffy, its founder, admits the notion simmers in the cauldron of exploration. He cites “rising user interest” (a phrase as thrilling as a nap) and his own “skepticism about crypto’s long-term value”—a sentiment akin to doubting a magician’s rabbit after it’s already vanished.

By engaging in a bit of precocious front-running, our dear traders can either pad their plump portfolios against sudden shocks or, heaven forbid, bolster their bank accounts!

Dramatically performed on the fateful date of July 25, this deal, guided by the esteemed SEC Rule 144A – because nothing says “fun” like regulatory compliance – saw MARA net an impressive $940.5 million after the obligatory expenses that, one might say, are as tedious as the long-winded introductions at a provincial tea party.

$ETH Dominance