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Within a few hours of the news breaking—because who doesn’t surf the web for NFT chaos during grief—his CryptoBatz floor price shot up by more than 400%, from a measly 0.02 ETH to a pipe dream-worthy 0.08 ETH. That’s a quick swing from pocket change to “wait, how much?” according to OpenSea snooping. 📈

The Regalados, with their silver tongues and promises of divine prosperity, managed to con nearly 300 believers between January 2022 and July 2023. They convinced their flock to invest in INDXcoin, a token they concocted and peddled through the Kingdom Wealth Exchange platform. 🕊️💻

In a turn of events that might make even the most staunch fast-food aficionado raise an eyebrow, the world’s third-largest cryptocurrency, XRP, has not just surpassed but has overtaken the illustrious McDonald’s. The golden arches have found themselves in quite the pickle, having lost a remarkable $7 billion in revenue after a global boycott, a culinary dispute led by pro-Palestinian activists who were less than thrilled with the company’s political alignment. Talk about price drops! 🥤💵

Is this a genuine political upheaval, or merely another triumph for the age of misinformation? One is inclined, frankly, to suspect the latter.

Mercurity Fintech Holding Inc. (Nasdaq: MFH) has announced an audacious move—a strategic $200 million equity line of credit from Solana Ventures Ltd. One might say, “What’s the big deal?” Well, it’s a significant leap in MFH’s journey from being a humble fintech infrastructure provider to an all-powerful player in the Solana blockchain ecosystem. Bold, isn’t it?

Our dear Solana, after smashing through the $180 resistance like a wrecking ball, is riding high. It climbed past $185—like an overenthusiastic kangaroo—and gave the $200 resistance a good punch, peaking at $207. And then—wait for it—it took a breather, like a marathon runner at the water station, now retracing below $205, doing the fib retracement dance from $178 to $207. Because, hey, even crypto needs a timeout.

In a post, Schiff bragged about how his VanEck Gold Miners ETF (GDX)—yes, *the* GDX—is up a whopping 61.3% this year. Meanwhile, poor little bitcoin (BTC) is limping along at a measly 28.06% gain. Well, according to Yahoo Finance. Schiff rounded down to 27%, because why give crypto even that much credit? “I may not own any Bitcoin,” he wrote, clearly trying to sound humble while absolutely dripping with smugness, “but I have a lot more money in gold and silver mining stocks than many Bitcoin whales have in Bitcoin.” 🐳

In a rather dramatic X thread from July 20, Pumpius—bless his cotton socks—lays bare his suspicions that big banks are peddling tall tales about Ripple Labs to knock XRP’s price down a peg or two. He scoffs at the hullabaloo over Ripple’s quest for a national trust bank charter and FED access, claiming it’s not about genuine concern for stability, oh no. Rather, it’s a orchestrated farce to spread FUD (that’s Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt for the uninitiated) and let banks amass tokens on the cheap. 😏 The analyst posits that branding Ripple’s moves as “risky” is just code for “keep the plebs out while we feast.” After all, who wouldn’t want to discredit a crypto upstart that’s edging closer to shaking up the financial fiefdoms? It’s positively Shakespearean—full of sound and fury, signifying a banker’s bonus.

In a rousing performance that would make a Shakespearean villain proud, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent has lamented the apparent chaos reigning over the U.S. Federal Reserve. A full internal audit is what he screams for, lest this behemoth continue its unchecked expansion, proliferating like uninvited guests at a tea party. Bessent waxed eloquent on this matter during a delightful gab fest with CNBC Monday and further enticed viewers on Fox Business Tuesday.

They’ve got this self-custodial nonsense, meaning you’re the one holding the bag—literally your private keys. Features? Oh, plenty: zap tokens in chats, stake ’em, trade, buy USDT for free (yeah, right), and even cash out to your bank card. Seamless? Sure, until it isn’t, and you’re left wondering why you trusted an app that’s probably listening to your every keystroke. 🤦‍♂️