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So, CleanSpark (CLSK), the bitcoin miner and data center operator, took a 5% nosedive after announcing their $1.15B convertible bond offering. Big money, big problems, am I right? 🤑🤦‍♂️

In a spectacle more bizarre than your average Tuesday, convicted criminal Heather Morgan hinted at a miraculous commutation by former President Trump. In a video that left much to the imagination, she gleefully shouted out, “Shoutout to Papa Trump for making my sentence shorter!” while, believe it or not, naked in a bathtub. Yes, you read that right. The “Crocodile” took her public meltdown to the next level.

In a letter to shareholders that probably included a “lol, jk” footnote, Gemini bragged about doubling revenue YoY. Transaction fees? Up 26%! Because nothing says “we’re thriving” like charging $0.0001 per trade. 🦅

Bitcoin spot demand has flipped positive, signaling a potential bullish reversal.

In the latest headline-making drama, the Bank of England (self-styled as our nation’s financial BFF) released a piece of literature – apparently not a novel or my TBR list – titled “Proposed Regulatory Regime for Sterling-Denominated Systemic Stablecoins.” This little document dares to propose letting issuers have a bit of fun by investing up to 60% in government debt. How mature. 📈

The Treasury and that grumpy lot at the IRS have released a document – Revenue Procedure 2025-31, just in case you’re desperate to know – that allows these crypto ETFs to stake their digital treasures without turning into something horribly complicated for the taxman.

Ah, the sublime theater of bureaucracy! The U.S. government, that lumbering leviathan, teeters on the brink of resurrection, with Polymarket’s soothsayers decreeing a 95% chance of its revival by November 12. A leap from yesterday’s meager 60%, as traders, those merry speculators, frantically jettison their “No” positions like rats fleeing a sinking ship. The markets, ever the dramatic prima donnas, react with giddy relief: the dollar simpers, crypto pirouettes, and futures soar. Yet, as always, Polymarket’s augurs whisper the news before the official heralds deign to confirm it. 🧙‍♂️✨

Apparently, a bunch of people who bought Bitcoin when it cost roughly the price of a decent sandwich (Long-Term Holders, the analysts call them; sounds important) have decided to cash out. Over 370,000 Bitcoins worth! That’s… a lot of sandwiches. 🥪

Lawmakers, no doubt weary of the endless bickering and the haunting echo of “shutdown” in their dreams, moved with a haste that would make a hare blush. One insider, perhaps still in disbelief, quipped: “I thought they wouldn’t be done until later tonight, but they sped through that. They want out of this town.” Ah, the sweet escape from duty! 🏃♂️💨