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Come March 1, the burger slingers at company-run joints will start rackin’ up these Bitcoin crumbs, but don’t expect a gold rush. After two years, a full-time worker might scrape together less than $900. That’s enough to buy a fancy blender, but not much else. The company, bless its heart, calls this a “loyalty reward,” tweetin’ out, “We take care of our employees; they, in turn, take care of customers; and the results take care of themselves.” Sure, because nothin’ says “we care” like a digital IOU that might not be worth the paper it’s not printed on.

Caroline Ellison, the former co-CEO of Alameda Research (a title that now sounds like a fake LinkedIn buzzword), is set to leave her “residential reentry management facility” today. Translation: She’s swapping a halfway house for the real world after serving a mere 440 days of a two-year sentence. Turns out, cooperating with prosecutors and writing heartfelt apology notes to victims really does wonders for your parole officer’s mood.

As the clock ticks, ETH hovers near $2,960, a ghost of its former self, having shed nearly 12% in a week’s time. Trading, that eternal dance of hope and despair, has quickened, yet buyers, those brave souls, retreat like mice from a cat.

Yet, lo! Market participation hath swelled during this period, with trading volume surging over 15% to a staggering $3.31 billion, as if the masses were compelled to dance with the devil of volatility.

At the World Economic Forum in Davos-where the toffs gather to discuss the weighty matters of the universe-Trump let it be known that backing crypto legislation is the cat’s whiskers, both politically and strategically. What ho! He even gave a tip of the hat to the GENIUS stablecoin act, calling it a topper of a step toward clearer rules for the industry. One can almost hear the chaps at the club clinking their port glasses in approval.

Jim Willie, the man with the voice of someone who has probably seen too many spreadsheet nightmares, describes XRP as a “trusted bridge asset.” Think of it as the digital version of a handshake-only if your handshake involved less sweaty palms and more digital compliance. Both parties agree-because, why not?-that XRP is the currency of trust in a world where trust is often just a fancy word for “we hope this works.”

In the glittering alpine theater of Davos, where the air crackles with the perfume of ambition and the clink of champagne glasses harmonizes with the rustle of balance sheets, Brian Armstrong, that pugnacious maestro of Coinbase, launched a quizzical gaze upon François Villeroy de Galhau, France’s own silver-haired sentinel of monetary orthodoxy. With a wry … Read more

Today, Markus took to X to address the recent crypto market crash, a calamity so profound it has erased $150,000,000,000 from the digital ledger of human folly. Bitcoin, that paragon of stability, plummeted while gold, the eternal skeptic’s refuge, soared to new heights.

A tranquil interlude, the holiday reprieve, proved as soothing as a lullaby before a thunderclap. When U.S. markets yawned open, crypto ETFs were not met with applause but with a chorus of sell orders, erasing gains like a child’s scribbles wiped from a window. Sentiment, that fickle lover, had abandoned its throne.

Arkham and SosoValue-those digital fortune-tellers-hint at underlying currents, whispering of secrets behind DOGE’s fall. But what truly transpired in this grand spectacle of financial melodrama?