Crypto Trader’s Dramatic Meltdown: $35.9M Vanishes in Market Mayhem! 😱

Once basking in the glow of hefty gains, he now finds his unrealized profits shriveled down to a modest $13 million. A mere pittance! After handing over a hefty $7.7 million in funding fees-goodbye, dandruff, hello, empty pockets-his net unrealized gains are now a mere $5.2 million. Oh, the volatility! It’s enough to make even the most hardened gambler clutch his pearls! 💸💃

Bitcoin’s Revival? STHs Find Respite! 🎭💰

Historically, when STHs face losses exceeding 10%, Bitcoin descends into a capitulation phase, a most unpleasant affair. The recent recovery has lifted them from this discomfort, yet the market’s future remains a mystery, much like a letter penned in cipher. 🔍

🤑 Bitcoin’s Woes: Trade Wars & Liquidations Galore! 🌍⚔️

Bitcoin Price Chart

According to the chronicles of crypto.news, Bitcoin’s price plummeted from $95,419 to $92,284 during the early hours of Asian trade on Monday, a loss of 3% before finding a modicum of stability at $92,672. Other notables of the crypto world, such as Ethereum, BNB, XRP, and Solana, followed suit in this unfortunate descent, dragging the total crypto market cap down by 2.8% to $3.22 trillion. A most dismal affair, indeed! 😢📉

Bitcoin’s Descent: Will It Climb Back? 📉💸

Global trade tensions, of course! The European Union, ever the master of the dramatic gesture, announced $100 billion in retaliatory tariffs. Investors, ever the cautious souls, fled to the safety of gold, which now sparkles at $4,660. A clear sign that money is moving out of risky assets and into safe havens-like a squirrel hoarding acorns. 🐿️

🚨 Trove Markets’ Crypto Chaos: From HYPE to HOPE-less? 💸

Trove Markets, une startup crypto construisant un échange décentralisé de perpétuels axé sur les objets de collection, fait face à une opposition croissante après avoir brutalement abandonné Hyperliquid pour Solana, malgré avoir levé des millions auprès de ses soutiens sous une feuille de route basée sur Hyperliquid.

Crypto Cards: The Only Thing Growing Faster Than My Therapist’s Bill 😂

A study by Artemis (because nothing says “trustworthy” like a name that sounds like a fancy cat) claims these transactions have quietly turned into an $18 billion market in 2025. Oh, and the growth rate? A whopping 106% since 2023. That’s like asking if you want fries with that… but for money. From $100 million to $1.5 billion in a blink. Congrats, we’ve officially invented a way to spend digital dollars faster than you can say “bear market.”

Bitcoin to the Moon? 🚀

Bitcoin, one is informed, remains ‘strong’ at $95,000. A sum which, frankly, is becoming increasingly difficult to comprehend. It is ‘supported,’ apparently, by these institutional ‘inflows.’ One assumes support involves a network of gleaming velvet cushions. 🤔

Swirling Speculations and Conjugal Derivatives: Bitcoin’s Tantalizing Dance!

The remarkable compendium of aggregate Bitcoin futures open interest currently proclaims itself at roughly an astounding six hundred and forty-six thousand eight hundred and fifty little eagles, which amounts to near sixty-one point forty-eight billion of notional value, as the esteemed figures from coinglass.com so eloquently attest. Despite witnessing a slight hourly and quartet-hour increase in open interest, the readings from the yesteryear slipped subtly by nearly two percent, an indication, perhaps, of a refined reduction in embrace rather than a collective flight from the grace of leverage.