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The alarm was sounded by Manhattan’s District Attorney, Mr. Alvin L. Bragg, Jr., a man clearly overburdened with the cares of the state, and State Senator Zellnor Myrie. They seem to believe cryptocurrency is, and I quote, “urgent” to regulate. One wonders what grave societal ill is being averted; are rogue Bitcoin traders threatening the foundations of the republic?

Sales figures? Meh. But the real story? The sheer number of souls diving headfirst into this digital abyss. NFT buyers skyrocketed by 120.90% to 134,743, while sellers weren’t far behind, rising by 98.69% to 111,756. And all this while Bitcoin clawed its way back to $95K and Ethereum danced past $3,200. 🕺

In the land of crypto, where fortunes rise and fall like the tides of the Dnieper, a poor soul hath fallen prey to the cunning of a digital brigand. More than $500,000 in USDT, a treasure fit for a tsar, hath vanished into the ether, never to return. Alas, a simple mistake, a moment of inattention, and the gold turned to dust! 🌪️

In a move that’s more audacious than a Polish cowboy in a space suit, Strive Inc. (Nasdaq: ASST) just closed the deal on Semler Scientific Inc. (Nasdaq: SMLR). Why? Because they’re not just in the healthcare game-they’re in the bitcoin game, baby! And they’re playing to win! 🎲🔥

In a missive shared on that most curious platform known as X, our sagacious analyst has postulated a rather hopeful prognosis for PEPE, attributing this optimistic outlook to a delightful shift observed upon the weekly chart-a veritable tapestry of financial artistry, if you will. This transformation suggests that PEPE has, after considerable tribulation, formed a bottom and may be poised for a most extravagant rally of 3,000%. One can only wonder if such aspirations are rooted in reality or mere fancy! 🎩

Investigators, those relentless snoops, discovered that Sewell’s hedge fund was as real as a unicorn’s stock portfolio. His academic credentials? Fabricated, like a bad Instagram filter. The money? Vanished faster than a Bitcoin bull run. Nearly $3 million evaporated-poof!-leaving investors clutching empty wallets and shattered dreams.

At 5:35 p.m. on Jan. 16, XRP is trading at $2.0717, steady after rebounding from an intraday low near $2.03. Price has lifted off the lower end of the recent range and is consolidating just above the $2.06-$2.07 area, suggesting near-term selling pressure has eased. While the broader structure still reflects a pullback from earlier highs above $2.18, the latest candles show buyers defending support and guiding price back toward the middle of the recent range. 🕺

The setup is so suspiciously promising, one might think Ethereum’s been secretly brewing a potion in its blockchain cauldron. Javon Marks, our crypto sage, claims this crossover could kick off a rally that stretches until 2026, because why not? Time is just a suggestion in the world of decentralized magic. 🕰️

At the time of writing, Aave [AAVE] traded at $173, down 2.32% on the daily charts. After AAVE cooled down, it created a buying window, especially for large entities. Like a buffet that’s only open for whales. 🐋🍽️

In a post on X (formerly known as Twitter, because why not rename everything these days?), Garlinghouse pointed out that financial services costs have dropped by 3.5%. His hot take? It’s all thanks to the Trump administration’s crypto-friendly policies. 🏦✨ Apparently, making crypto less of a regulatory minefield has made financial services cheaper. Who’d have thought? Not me, that’s for sure. I was too busy trying to figure out if my toaster is secretly mining Ethereum.