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Ah! Cast your gaze upon this oddity: the unruly Bitcoin, erstwhile enfant terrible, is lately becoming less tempestuous than the S&P 500, that stately old dowager of Wall Street. Once notorious for boiling volatility, Bitcoin now simmers as gently as a pot of weak tea at a pensioner’s brunch.

In the world of bitcoin futures, traders make agreements to buy or sell BTC at a predetermined price on a future date. A key metric, open interest (OI), reflects the total value of active, unsettled contracts. As of now, total bitcoin futures OI stands at 699,230 BTC, valued at $76.21 billion – that’s a lot of capital committed to these futures bets!

The price of XRP, that darling of digital currencies, managed a mere 3% increase after the news. A modest rise, indeed, which only serves to highlight the fact that a banking license, should it be granted, does not directly enhance XRP’s utility or legal standing—at least not yet. How thrillingly unexciting!

After months of sideways action—$2,300 to $2,500, like a hamster on a wheel—Ethereum finally woke up from its nap. And Tuesday? Oh, it was like watching someone find the last donut at the office: ETH shot up to $2,600. The best part? It decided to park above the 50-day and 100-day Simple Moving Averages, which, in case you didn’t know, is a fancy way of saying “ETH is feeling itself.” 💁‍♂️

As bitcoin hovers near a fresh all-time high, BONK is leading the major altcoin rally. Because who needs actual value when you can have a funny dog picture? 🐶

Ever the debutante, Solana whirled into Wall Street’s sterile ballroom with a U.S.-listed staking ETF, ticker $SSK—anointing a new chapter in the ledger of crypto absurdities. On its opening night (the ball! the drama!), Bloomberg’s own zachpumpit reported $33 million in volume. Not the kind of number to inspire sonnets, but surely enough to ruffle conservative suits in their ergonomic thrones.

Yeah, the chart says volume is steady. It’s like February all over again, for better or worse (probably worse).

On the eve of momentous news (or yet another fireside chat, which sometimes passes for news in crypto circles), Robinhood shouted on X about how Ethereum’s own Vitalik Buterin, Johann Kerbrat (lord of Robinhood Crypto), and A.J. Warner from that mystical cabal, Offchain Labs, would gather like Russian uncles with strong tea—only with more blockchain jargon—on Monday. Picture a samovar, only it dispenses crypto press releases.

This little tumble followed Bitcoin [BTC] itself having a classic meltdown to $99k. Why the sudden case of the vapors? Well, global politics and a few missiles will do that: Israel-Iran bickering and the U.S. lobbing bombs around sent everyone running for cover, including your friendly neighborhood crypto projects.