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The schism between the bullish and the gleaming is, as a recent missive from the cryptic oracle known as Ayni Gold suggests, a farce of the highest order. They are value rails, yes, but with the subtlety of a melodramatic duet. Both claim to outshine the other in their respective “lanes”-Bitcoin’s trailblazing chaos and Gold’s antiquated glint-yet their true rivalry lies in the absurdity of choosing. Imagine forgoing steak because potatoes exist.

According to our egghead friend, these tokenized deposits are doomed to be shown the door by stablecoins, those über-cautious sorts who keep their reserves in a 1:1 embrace with cash or its short-term equivalents. Malekan quips that stablecoin issuers are the financial equivalent of a sober chauffeur, while fractional reserve banks are more like a tipsy uncle at a wedding-all over the place. 🥂

As Bitcoin’s corporate adoption escalates faster than a rocket fueled by caffeine and ambition, Strategy Inc. (Nasdaq: STRF/STRC/STRK/STRD/MSTR)-the self-proclaimed “King of the Bitcoin Hill”-announced on Oct. 30 that it’s now sitting on $2.8 billion in net income and $8.42 diluted EPS. All thanks to its “strategic” Bitcoin treasury and “digital credit expansion,” a phrase that sounds suspiciously like a euphemism for printing money while wearing a suit. 🧥💰

On October 31, the Bitcoin fan club remembered-it’s been 17 years since Satoshi illuminated the world with his whitepaper. The U.S. Treasury’s Scott Bessent jumped in on the anniversary hype, emphasizing that Bitcoin’s still standing strong-like the old oak in the yard, stubborn and unyielding. “17 years and still no shutdown,” he said, probably sipping coffee and eyeing the Senate with suspicion. And so the debate went: can Uncle Sam finally give up the ghost and admit Bitcoin is not a passing fancy? Or is this just a grand illusion? 🤔

In a twist of cosmic irony, the conversation around artificial intelligence (AI) shifted from existential dread to practical concerns. Now, instead of debating its relevance, we’re working out how to make it reliable enough not to replace your job with a robotic Victorian governess.

In the shadowed corridors of a Turkish prison, where the echoes of human folly reverberate louder than the clinking of chains, there lies a man whose name once danced on the lips of investors and speculators alike. Faruk Fatih Ozer, the architect of Thodex’s meteoric rise and catastrophic fall, was found lifeless in his cell … Read more

A Gently Rising Hope (Perhaps)

Triestina, which once played its matches with pride (and without digital doggos splayed across its chest), will now, in humble compliance, wear the Dogecoin insignia upon its jersey – front and center, as if the salvation of mankind depends on recognizing a Shiba Inu during a corner kick. The stadium, too, shall glow with the radiant glow of crypto-LED boards, flickering like neon in a state of perpetual hype, while big-screen videos presumably loop a single coin endlessly flipping through cyberspace. 🎥💸🐕

Yes, the dials on the dashboard blink a feverish green-bullish RSI, eager whales snatching up ZEC like caviar at a Soviet buffet, and leverage piled so high it defies gravity (and common sense). But darling, is the road to $1,567 paved with diamond-studded bricks, or is it a tightrope strung above a pit of liquidated dreams? Let’s find out-gloved fingers crossed.

Bitcoin seals its worst October performance since 2018 as traders flip cautious on the outlook. 🤷‍♀️