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Bitcoin’s trying to hit $114k like it’s the last train to nowhere, but the late-week gains are more like a slow, sad shuffle. 🕳️💸

Roughly 690,000 ETH-which is a number so big it needs its own zip code-has been funneled into 33 different liquid staking protocols. Because why have one option when you can have 33 flavors of slightly confusing financial soup? All this according to defillama.com, which is a website name I did not make up, I swear.

Indeed, the adventures of these spot Ethereum ETFs have not gone unnoticed, much like a magician’s trick that leaves the audience in awe. The price of ETH, as if enchanted by a powerful spell, soared to an all-time high of $4,887 on the fateful Friday, August 22. Yet, the real magic lies in the fact that these ETFs are now outshining their Bitcoin counterparts, much to everyone’s surprise and delight.

Yet, in this grand spectacle, where demands soared as eagles in their ascent, the gas fees remained as placid as the Don’s autumnal plains, lingering near the $80 million mark each day-a veritable slapstick in contrast with past peaks that vaulted well above $300 million. 🏃‍♂️💸

Apparently, when the short-term moving average tiptoes above the long-term, it’s a cause for celebration among traders, astrologers, and very optimistic dogs. This energetic leap was fueled by Friday’s wild speculation that the Federal Reserve might be about to wave its rate-cutting wand, triggered by Jerome Powell at the annual Jackson Hole symposium-which, contrary to the name, is not a hole full of jackets but a place where people in suits say things that move markets.

Oh, the drama! Gemini squeals about a shiny credit facility with Ripple. It’s like having a magic purse that can pull out a minimum of $5 million and a whopping $75 million if needed-think of it as a piggy bank that could swallow a small house! And if the bigwigs nod yes, they might even turn this into a Ripple-stablecoin smoothie-deliciously USD-denominated-ready to go! The entire piggy bank? A hefty $150 million. Yum. 💸🧙‍♂️

But hold on tight, because Anthony Scaramucci from SkyBridge Capital isn’t about to let Eric hog the limelight. In between sips of whatever fancy drink he was holding during media interviews, Scaramucci doubled down on his own prediction: $180,000 to $200,000 by December. He calls it “conservative,” which is hilarious when you consider most people still find crypto confusing enough to make their heads spin like a roulette wheel. Institutional demand, marquee ETFs, blah blah blah-it’s enough to make you wonder if these guys are financial geniuses or just really good at talking fast. 🎤📈

Max Keiser, ever the raconteur, regales the world with his term “Casino Gulag,” claiming prophetic foresight. He visited such a phrase upon the world as early as the 2010s. It seems not even his own mind can keep this term shrouded in mystery.

According to the wise sages at CoinDesk, ether, the second-largest cryptocurrency (because being second is still a medal, right?), is trading at about $4,783. This is practically a red carpet moment for ETH, reflecting a strong demand from investors who are apparently all in on the crypto craze. 🤑

Peter L. Brandt, who has survived trading floors since the Iron Curtain was barely rusted and now pontificates amongst Bitcoin’s digital villagers, marked Ethereum’s recent high with a singular, almost tragic gasp: “Powerful.” Brandt has, in previous winters, regarded Ethereum much like an aging schoolmaster regards new mathematics-with suspicion and occasional heartburn. Nonetheless, he admits he would buy it, sell it, and buy it again, should the charts command, apparently ignoring all personal philosophies (which, let’s be honest, are usually ignored anyway). 😂