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As the U.S. tiptoes toward digital asset regulations with the grace of a drunkard, Tether’s expansion plans read like a Shakespearean tragedy penned by a man who’s forgotten the plot. Ardoino, in a recent interview that could have been titled “How to Sound Important While Saying Nothing,” insisted the company has no intention of going public. A bold claim, considering their entire existence hinges on the illusion of stability. “Our focus is on progress,” he intoned, as if “progress” were a moral virtue rather than a desperate bid to avoid scrutiny. One can almost hear the sound of crickets in the background, chirping, “Sure, Paolo. And I’m the next Bond.” 🎩

Meanwhile, in the shadows, Bitcoin spot ETFs stumbled, gasping for breath as they endured a net outflow of about $86 million. Three straight days of outflows? Ouch! It seems Bitcoin ETFs are the tragic clowns of this financial circus, 🎭 eliciting both sympathy and laughter from the audience. Institutional interest in Ethereum shines brighter than ever, while Bitcoin ETFs… well, they’re just trying to keep their hats from falling off. 🧢

However, to partake in this merriment, eligible claim holders must ensure their names are inscribed on the list by August 15—one must not dally! Time is of the essence, as they say, or one may find themselves with naught but regrets! 💔 So far, our beloved FTX has already sprinkled around a remarkable $6.2 billion to its former patrons—surely, a sum that could make even the most stoic banker weep! 💸

Having failed to break free from the glamorous heights above $3,850, Ethereum has, like a well-trained performer, succumbed to the siren call of correction—truly a sight to behold. As it haphazardly treads downward, the darling has slipped below cherished support levels of $3,800 and $3,770.

The official reason? The proposal was “consistent with Section 6(b)(5) of the Exchange Act” because it supposedly prevents fraud, promotes fair trading, and protects investors and the public. Yeah, sure, because nothing says “trust me” like freezing an ETF you just approved. 🙄

The investigation escalated when the FBI staged a dramatic raid on Powell’s Los Angeles abode, carting off dozens of devices in what could only be described as a tech enthusiast’s worst nightmare. The raid, which turned heads faster than a crypto whale crashing a bull market, was part of the Biden administration’s broader crackdown on the sector. But fear not, dear reader, for Powell’s electronics have since been returned, and he claims they hold the smoking gun to his innocence. 🖥️🔫

Tony Severino—apparently a guy who spends more time doodling charts than hanging out at the bar—claims that Bitcoin’s current chart is nothing short of a roller coaster ride. According to him, we’re in an “intermediate Wave 4 Expanded Flat correction” (whatever that means) and might be nearing the end of wave B. And if history is any indication, that always precedes a steep drop in wave C. It’s like he’s saying, “Oh, sorry, folks. Wave B always ends with a crash, just like your last relationship!”

In the grand spectacle of Tesla’s quarters, the electric beast seems to be bruised, yet its bitcoin stash shines like a newfound treasure! Meanwhile, a certain Japanese firm, Quantum Solutions, embarks on a daring journey to seize $367 million worth of BTC. And don’t blink, or you might miss Korea’s DSRV marching into the funding arena, while Tron Inc. prepares to ring the Nasdaq bell like some over-enthusiastic carnival barker, heralding the coming of institutional crypto addiction.

This regulatory rollercoaster had the fund poised for glory as a spot exchange-traded fund (ETF), only to be rudely parked in limbo for “further internal review.” Bloomberg ETF analyst Nate Geraci, bless his soul, called it a “bizarre situation,” which, let’s face it, is like calling the Hitchhiker’s Guide mildly informative. 🚀🤦‍♂️

In a recent X post, Bill Morgan dropped some serious knowledge bombs. He pointed out that even the SEC, those guys in the suits, acknowledged that Ripple’s escrow was designed to prop up the XRP price, not bring it crashing down like a house of cards. He added that the SEC even thought this was one of the key factors that would make investors feel all warm and fuzzy inside, expecting profits from Ripple’s magical touch. 🪄