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“There’s no winning with these crypto circus clowns,” he bellows, probably while twirling a mustache that’s as old as his opinions. “Most of ya borrow money for pizza-seriously, you’re a bunch of financial fettuccine!” 🍕💸

These wallets are compatible with everything-EVM chains, Solana-because who wants to be left out in this digital race. Login options? Email, SMS, OAuth-your standard “trust us, we know what we’re doing” login methods. And don’t worry, they swear the private keys are safe in some fancy trusted stuff called TEEs-trust me, that’s a real thing. Developers can build their own rules, make transfers, stake, all with one API. Innovation, or chaos? Only time will tell. 🕒

If you were hoping to toast to July’s peak price of $123,000, you’ll have to make do with prosecco instead of champagne. Bitcoin’s value dropped by about 7.2%. Analysts are, of course, beside themselves with excitement. The word “price discovery” is being batted around like an overzealous cricket ball, as if the whole thing might soon be solved over a strong cup of tea.

Announced on August 6th, this thing is only for the lucky few who signed up early. The rest of us, well, we’ll just wait until the full public release drops later in the month. It’s developed with Fluid (not the fun kind, the decentralized finance kind) and aims to make lending feel like the best thing since sliced bread. We’ll see about that. 😏

07 am UTC, when the primary sequencer decided to take a leisurely stroll due to a spike in on-chain activity. Conductor, designed to maintain uptime by rotating sequencers like a game of musical chairs, elected a new node mid-provisioning. Talk about bad timing!

Solana’s [SOL] on-chain fundamentals, we are told, remain as steadfast as a Nabokov protagonist’s delusions. Total Value Locked (TVL) has risen 2.67%, a modest curtsy in the face of oblivion. User retention, stable? But of course-who would abandon a sinking ship when the deck chairs are so comfortably arranged? And protocol-level throughput, scaling like a ladder to the moon, boasts a 500% MoM increase in stablecoin growth. Bravo! 🌕✨

978 days into this thing, and now people are asking if it’s over? C’mon! Of course it’s not over – it’s just resting comfortably in its ego after that whole spot ETF drama. Josh’s all like “probably not over yet, could continue” – well THANKS for that bold prediction, Nostradamus!🙄

Now, ARKB isn’t just any old ticker-it’s one of a merry band of so-called “spot Bitcoin ETFs” that the SEC blessed back in early 2024. The clever idea is that you get all the thrill of Bitcoin’s price swings without ever having to actually hold the digital treasure in your pocket. It’s like having your cake and eating it too, except the cake is a little bit… well, enigmatic! 🍪

Ah, but didn’t we hear whispers that digital payments would send cash packing? That by now, coins would be relegated to the dusty corners of sock drawers and wallets would exist only as apps on our phones? Alas, those predictions have fallen flatter than a pancake at a Weight Watchers convention. According to a recent bulletin penned by Alejandro Zamora Perez (a Banknote Issuance Specialist at the ECB, no less) and Trainee Economist Rebecca Clipal, cash remains stubbornly relevant. It’s like the Monty Python parrot of monetary instruments: “Not dead yet!” 🦜✨

Following last month’s record spends, it seems dormant bitcoins are still stirring in August like a bear waking up from hibernation. On Aug. 5, btcparser.com discovered a once-quiet whale holding coins obtained on Jan. 17, 2017, Jan. 22, 2017, and June 24, 2017, that activated 11 wallets containing 100 BTC each. The legacy Pay-to-Public-Key-Hash (P2PKH) wallets sent the coins to 11 brand new Pay-to-Witness-Public-Key-Hash (P2WPKH) addresses. Who knew wallets could have such a dramatic makeover? 💅