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President Trump, in a move that makes you wonder if retirement plans are now part of a giant game show, has signed an executive order to include Bitcoin, crypto, and all manner of hedge-fund-y types into 401(k) plans. Because, apparently, nothing says “secure future” like digital assets with more volatility than your Aunt Mabel’s age-defying moisturizer. 😂

As of July 24, 2025, these galactic financiers are sitting on a cool $731.1 million in holdings. That’s $541.64 million in blockchain reserves (because who doesn’t like a good stash?) and $189.46 million tucked away with partners. Meanwhile, their Crypto Investor Protection Fund (CIPF) ballooned to ₹69.74 crore, a 16% jump from June. Because, you know, even space cowboys need a safety net. 🌌

Behold! The Bitcoin short-term holders have curbed their insatiable appetite for profit-taking as prices hover near $115,000. Glassnode, that oracle of blockchain metrics, whispers sweet nothings about a “relatively balanced position,” even as the market flirts with pullbacks from its giddy all-time highs. Balanced? Perhaps. But one wonders if this is the calm before the storm-or just another episode of crypto’s perpetual drama. 🌩️

In this grand collaboration, the federal Securities and Commodities Authority (SCA) and Dubai’s Virtual Assets Regulatory Authority (VARA) are joining forces faster than you can say “decentralized finance.” A license from either VARA in Dubai or the SCA elsewhere will now work across the UAE, saving crypto enthusiasts from the bureaucratic tango of multiple approvals. Hallelujah! 🙌

👁️) look positively prehistoric.

In a press release that’s basically a love letter to CryptoPotato, these two tech-savvy rebels are joining forces to bring Morpho’s lending magic to the Pharos mainnet. This isn’t just any old partnership; it’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship that’s going to revolutionize how we handle real-world assets in the digital world. 🌍💻

With a grand flourish and a wink at the universe, they announced that their treasury-an entity as elusive as Baba Yaga’s chicken-was now focused on Ethereum. A treasure that, if fully captured, might surpass the holdings of mighty giants like SharpLink Gaming and Ether Machine-names that sound like characters from a Russian fairy tale, but are actually just cryptocurrencies vying for respectability. Imagine that! A mere flick of the wrist, and-presto!-they could be richer than a czar’s treasury.

According to this modern-day Cassandra, traditional markets are but a house of cards, and financial planners-those purveyors of false security-are leading their clients to the brink of ruin. “Bonds are safe,” they declare, with all the sincerity of a debutante feigning interest in her suitor’s hunting tales. Nonsense, says Mr. Kiyosaki! There is no safety in a market crash, only the cold, hard truth of Bitcoin’s resilience. 💎

Yes, dear reader, a fresh chapter unfolds with American Bitcoin Corp., born earlier this very year, stretching its tendrils into the political and financial fabric of the nation. It’s woven together with Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr., names echoing with the same audacity that made them famous-or infamous, depending on your perspective. The Winklevoss twins, modest as ever, kept mum on how much they invested-perhaps counting their bitcoins over a candlelight dinner, or quietly chuckling at the spectacle-yet the whispers confirm their participation in a recent $220 million private offering. A sum that, if you ask anyone but the wealthy, sounds just a tad excessive for a startup that might still be figuring out what a blockchain actually is. 🤔