qfx

What does it mean? Who knows. But let’s pretend we’re experts for a second.

Bitcoin tries to rebound like it’s auditioning for a comeback special, thanks to US jobs data that’s weaker than my morning coffee. ☕

So, what’s the deal? The FCA, that group of people who probably still don’t know what a blockchain is, has decided to let regular investors buy crypto ETNs again. But only if they’re on “approved” platforms. Because nothing says “trust us” like a government agency that’s also a master of bureaucracy. 🤡

President Trump, compulsive chronicler of his own legend, returned to the social media stage with the subtlety of a brass band at a chess tournament, launching barbed prose at Jerome Powell, the Fed Chair. The demand? Slice those interest rates, and do it now! Or else shake things up in a most theatrical fashion.

Atkins’ speech, titled with the subtlety of a fireworks manifesto—“American Leadership in the Digital Finance Revolution”—unveiled Project Crypto, a bureaucratic ballet to modernize securities law for the blockchain age. “We are at the threshold of a new era,” he droned, as if reciting from a script written by a sleep-deprived poet. The SEC chair, with the gravitas of a man who’s never met a metaphor he didn’t like, promised to “modernize the SEC’s custody requirements” while defending self-custody like it was the last loaf of bread in a post-apocalyptic world. One could almost hear the crickets of Wall Street’s compliance departments.

It happened, as these things invariably do. A little chill in the air, a slight downturn in fortunes. Crypto, mimicking the world of U.S. equities, began to…reluctantly descend. A market, already weary from expectation, now forced to readjust. Bitcoin [BTC], that digital phantom, briefly dipped below $115K, then, with a sigh, remembered its level. The S&P 500 Index (SPY) yielded 37 basis points, a meager subtraction in the grand ledger of things.

After a rather exuberant little sprint in July – going from a sensible $2.30 all the way up to a slightly dizzying $3.60 – XRP has decided a ‘correction’ is in order. A correction! As if needing a lie-down with a cool compress. As of right now, it’s hovering around $2.93. Still not terrible, really, and well above the “important support zones” (whatever those are). But yes, it’s sadly below that psychologically important $3 mark. We all have our prices, don’t we?

This guide takes you through the labyrinth of options: the titans, the wizards, and the overhyped hype machines. Think of it as a Sherlock Holmes mystery, but with less cocaine and more blockchain. From compliance temples to scalability fortresses, we’ve got the scoop—and a few snarky remarks, because who doesn’t need a laugh amidst all this digital chaos? 😏

The Bitcoin network’s current vibe? It’s like watching a reality show where the contestants are all dehydrated. Energy consumption has doubled since 2024, but miners are earning less than a barista at a cat café. The GoMining report reads like a horror story for the crypto crowd: “Hey, guess what? You’re using enough power to light up Liechtenstein, but your transaction fees are the equivalent of finding a penny in a couch cushion.”

PeckShield looked into the digital carnage and calculated that July’s total losses hit $142 million, up from June’s mere $111.6 million. Seventeen hacks, with most of the action clustered in just five incidents. If you run a crypto platform and didn’t get hacked, I suppose that’s your newsletter win for the month. 🏆