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SquadSwap is a veritable love letter to the core values of DeFi: self-custody, sparkling transparency, and community ownership, all swirling together in delightful harmony. Born from the moans and groans of the Pancake Squad NFT enthusiasts—who, bless their hearts, felt grossly neglected—SquadSwap isn’t just your garden-variety platform; it’s akin to a raucous movement, a rousing collective sending forth a clarion call!

Reports—brought forth by the modern equivalent of a scandalous letter, known as Lookonchain—reveal that on 29th July, WLFI acquired another 256.75 Ethereum (ETH) for the princely sum of $1 million USDC. This follows upon their previous indulgence: a $30 million splurge, mere days ago, suggesting that self-control at World Liberty is a quality as thin as Mrs. Bennet’s nerves.

But lo and behold, the investors rolled their eyes, utterly unimpressed by BitMine’s grand scheme to become the kingpin of Ethereum holders and stakers. 🚀 The stocks drooped like a sad banana after sliding over 10% during regular hours to a mere $35, only to have an after-hours fit that took it down another 15%. Imagine that! 😱

Solana’s been stuck in a price range so narrow, it’s like a toddler’s tantrum that never ends. After a 2023 rally, it decided to take a nap, trading between $115 and $230 like a confused hamster on a wheel. 🐹

The visual feast itself features a shiny metal automaton, rather reminiscent of a steampunk enthusiast’s wet dream, laboring dutifully with a screwdriver in hand. And what is he mending, you ask? Why, it’s none other than a mechanical avian creature flapping about in distress, clearly feeling a strong urge to take flight! Talk about a tumultuous relationship. 🦜

Now, these magical coins have ballooned to a staggering $270 billion, making them the seventh-best thing since sliced bread—if sliced bread were also quite invested in cryptocurrency. With nearly 7% of the entire crypto market wrapped up in their metaphorical embrace, stablecoins—mostly snuggled up to the U.S. dollar—are enjoying a fame that rivals even that of mighty Tether. Oh, Tether, the king who rules with an iron fist and a market share of roughly 60%. 👑💸

Midnight’s launch mechanism, which promises to rain airdrops on ADA holders like a particularly generous ex who keeps sending you free coffee, is supposed to make Cardano more appealing to investors who have the patience of a goldfish and the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel. 🐟⚡

This whole shebang started with Canary Capital’s S-1 filing on July 17, and now Cboe’s dropping a 19b-4 like it’s no big deal. CryptoMoon spilled the beans, but let’s be real, is anyone surprised? The paperwork party continues! 🧻💼

The U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) has clarified it is not pursuing charges against crypto venture capital firm Dragonfly over its investment in Tornado Cash. Because nothing says “justice” like a sudden change of heart. 🌀

Now, in an interview with CNBC’s Squawk Box—a place where grown men wear ties and shout into microphones like they’re trying to summon a genie—Pompliano declared Bitcoin the “king of the market,” a title so grand it makes a monarch look like a peasant. “It won’t change anytime soon,” he said, as if he’d already penned the history books and skipped the part where the plot twists.