Ah, comrades, what a whirlwind of demonic folly this week hath wrought upon the cryptoverse-a veritable witches’ sabbath of volatility, starting mere hours after our last missive, as if the devil himself had flicked his tail at the markets!
Bitcoin, that golden calf of the digital age, perched smugly above $120,000 like a tsar on his throne, only to be smacked by whispers of tariffs from Uncle Trump’s lips, accusing the Chinese dragons of weavings lies thicker than Gogol’s tall tales. Bam! Down it dove under $117,000, unleashing a carnival of leveraged nightmares-positions bursting like overripe melons, a $19 billion massacre leaving BTC wallowing at $101,000 on some exchanges. Altcoins? Oh, poor souls, pummeled to pulp, losses so steep they could make a stone weep, nearly 99% in the most absurd of spectacles! 😂
As the weekend unfolded, like a sleepy sorcerer waving his wand, tensions cooled between the superpowers, and Bitcoin roared back to life, charging to $116,000 mid-week-only to be rebuffed like a suitor at a Bolshevik ball. The bears, those hairy fiends, gnawed at its resolve, and when Trump cozied up to Putin’s icy grin, down it tumbled to $108,500. Sarcasm aside, it was a plot twist fit for Bulgakov’s quill.
Yet another bloody Friday dawned, and Bitcoin, ever the dramatic fool, embarked on yet another plunge southward, dipping below $104,000 with the grace of a drunken Cossack. A fleeting bounce to over $106,000 after Trump’s tariff tease proved as ephemeral as a ghost’s sigh, fading back to $105,000 as we peck at these keys. Weekly losses? Over 13%-painful as a thorn in one’s boot, but altcoins fare worse, dear readers, hemorrhaging fortunes: DOGE (-27%, woof woof), ADA (-25%, Ada Lovelace must be spinning), LINK (-27%, chain of folly), XLM (-22%, stellar snub), HYPE (-21.5%, exaggerated as ever), and a horde of others wallowing in the muck. 😏
Market Data
Market Cap: $3.650T | 24H Vol: $273B | BTC Dominance: 57.3%
BTC: $105,000 (-13.6%) | ETH: $3,770 (-13.4%) | XRP: $2.27 (-19.5%)
This Week’s Crypto Headlines: Absurdities Not to Be Missed
Extreme Fear Creeps Back, Bitcoin Tanks $20K Faster Than a Rabbit in a Wolf’s Den 😱. The Fear and Greed Index, that fickle oracle, has flipped from greed’s giddy heights (above 60) to the abyss below 25-a multi-month low, proving markets are moodier than a theatrical troupe in turmoil.
Ripple Labs Plots $1B XRP Hoard: SPAC Shenanigans in the Shadows 🤑. While corporations frenzy like squirrels for BTC and ETH, Ripple mutters incantations to conjure $1 billion via a SPAC, forging a treasury to amass its own vile XRP brethren. Irony reigns supreme in this digital devilry!
ETH Hoarding by Corps: All in Q3 2025, Because Why Not Gamble Everything on a Single Hand? 💸. Data, that mischievous sprite, reveals nearly all company-bought ETH emerged in the third quarter-a stampede of fools piling into the etheric muck.
Last Week’s Deleveraging: A Cleansing Purgatory for BTC, Says Glassnode, or Just Hell’s Fire? 🔥. The meltdown’s aftermath birthed pundit pandemonium, with Glassnode proclaiming it a “necessary reset” from reckless leverage. Analysts argue, and skeptics smirk: was it catharsis or catastrophe?
October 10 Crash: Inflated Horror? Real Losses a Mere $2.31B, Per Analysts’ Whimsical Reckoning 🤪. Those ghoulish $19 billion liquidations? Bah, exaggerated! The truth, they claim, is a paltry $2.3 billion-history’s greatest slight-of-hand since Woland’s tricks.
Peter Schiff Bashes BTC Again: ‘Digital Gold’? More Like Fool’s Pyrite After the Plunge! 😂. Ah, the eternal critic strikes, declaring the crash from $122,000 to $105,000 the final nail in bitcoin’s ‘gold’ coffin. Schiff’s sarcasm drips like venom, yet the beast lives on, mocking with every rebound.
Read More
- ETC PREDICTION. ETC cryptocurrency
- GBP CHF PREDICTION
- SKY PREDICTION. SKY cryptocurrency
- AAVE PREDICTION. AAVE cryptocurrency
- USD BGN PREDICTION
- SOL PREDICTION. SOL cryptocurrency
- CNY JPY PREDICTION
- USD INR PREDICTION
- BTC PREDICTION. BTC cryptocurrency
- EUR AUD PREDICTION
2025-10-17 19:07