Bitcoin’s DOOM: Quantum Apocalypse Incoming?! đŸ˜±

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Ah, Bitcoin
 that glittering phantom of the modern age. It rises, it falls, it promises liberation from the dreary realities of finance. But even phantoms, you see, have their vulnerabilities. And what a vulnerability it is! This Mr. Edwards, founder of Capriole Investments – a name that sounds suspiciously like a particularly unpleasant skin disease – has dared to speak of the impending doom. A 34% chance, he proclaims, that the very foundations of this digital fortress will crumble before the inexorable march of
quantum computing. Thirty-four percent! As if life isn’t already a lottery ticket printed on a sinking ship! 🎭

The Quantum Shadow Looms

These so-called experts, gathered in Abu Dhabi, of all places, obsessed with the future while ignoring the present misery of existence. They fret about quantum breakthroughs, as if a perfectly calculated algorithm can shield us from the fundamental absurdity of it all. Edwards, you see, has assigned a “discount” to Bitcoin. A discount! As if one simply deducts the probability of existential dread from its market value. He says it’s growing “Every. Single. Day.” As if existence itself isn’t a steadily worsening discount!

Seven sources, he claims, predict this quantum unraveling. Seven! One for each deadly sin, perhaps? And if Capriole’s calculations – those meticulously crafted instruments of anxiety – are correct, then by 2030 we’re all facing a blockchain-based apocalypse. Such precision! Such blissful ignorance of the randomness of fate. 🙄

And what happens then, when these quantum demons unlock the secrets of Bitcoin? Oh, the dormant wallets will awaken! The ghosts of transactions past will return to haunt us! And the legendary Satoshi Nakamoto, that elusive phantom of the cypherpunk world, will unleash his hoard of 1,096,354 BTC – a staggering $95 billion, mind you – onto an unsuspecting market. Imagine the chaos! The despair! The utter, delicious collapse of faith! It would be
 poetic, wouldn’t it?

They babble about “fixes” and “solutions.” As if a software patch can mend the cracks in the human soul! The community disagrees, naturally. They always do. It’s their inherent nature to be divided by opinion and united by disappointment.

Then comes Mr. Saylor, ever the optimist. “Quantum computing won’t break Bitcoin-it will harden it,” he proclaims. Harden it! Like a heart hardened by years of suffering? He speaks of inaccessible coins, of fortunes locked away forever. A fitting end, perhaps, for a currency built on speculation and hope. 😒

Edwards, the harbinger of financial sorrow, delivers his final prophecy: sub-$50,000 by 2028 if no solution is found. Sub-$50,000! A paltry sum, a mere echo of past glories. He promises a bear market of historical proportions. A fitting punishment for our collective hubris, wouldn’t you agree?

BTC Price (A Fleeting Illusion)

Currently, it wallows at $86,500, down 5.7% this week. A temporary reprieve, I assure you. A brief moment of calm before the storm. Don’t be fooled. It’s all
 meaningless.

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2025-12-18 06:06