BitMine Buys More ETH Than Your Grandma’s Savings!

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Oh, how the crypto market crashed like a toddler on a trampoline! BitMine Immersion Technologies, the company that’s basically a financial wizard with a spreadsheet titled “How to Buy ETH While Everyone Else Cries,” seized the opportunity to bulk up its Ethereum stash. 202,037 ETH? More like 202,037 reasons to question their life choices. 🐕💸

Now, BitMine’s Ethereum portfolio is bigger than your ex’s Instagram followers. 3 million ETH? That’s enough to buy a small island, a yacht, and a lifetime supply of existential dread. 🏝️🚤

The company, which is somehow both a tech giant and a crypto enthusiast’s nightmare, bought more ETH during the crash than your aunt’s investment in Dogecoin. The market’s total liquidations? A cool $19 billion. For reference, that’s enough to pay off every student loan in the US… if they were real. 💸

BitMine’s crypto portfolio now includes:

  • 3.032.188 ETH, which is basically a fancy way of saying “we’re all going to regret this”
  • 192 BTC, because why not add a dash of Bitcoin to the chaos?
  • 135 million in Eightco Holdings, because who needs stability?
  • 104 million in cash, because nothing says “I’m a responsible investor” like holding onto actual money. 🤯

BitMine now holds the world’s largest public Ethereum treasury, which is like being the king of a kingdom that’s built on sand. And they’re only halfway to their goal of owning 5% of ETH. Can’t wait to see their next move. 🎯

CEO Tom Lee, who probably has a spreadsheet titled “How to Buy ETH While Everyone Else Cries,” said, “We’re buying ETH because it’s cheap! Also, we’re 2.5% of the total supply. That’s like being the 2.5% of the class that actually studied.” 🧠

Meanwhile, BitMine’s stock is up 3.4%, which is like getting a raise after your boss accidentally gave you a bonus. BMNR is now the most exciting thing since… well, nothing. 🤡

According to Yahoo! Finance, BMNR is the 22nd most traded stock in the US. That’s not a compliment. It’s a warning. 🚨

Now, Ethereum is the talk of the town, but not everyone’s a fan. Bitcoin maximalists are throwing tantrums, which is basically their version of a party. Nick Szabo says Ethereum has a “fundamental problem,” which is code for “I don’t understand it.” 🤷‍♂️

Samson Mow, who’s probably the human equivalent of a meme, claims ETH’s price is propped up by “6 billion from retail Koreans.” Translation: “We’re all just pretending this makes sense.” 🇰🇷

At the time of writing, ETH is trading at $3,958. For context, that’s about $1 more than the average person’s self-esteem. 💸

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2025-10-14 17:59