Brent Crude’s Chaotic March: Oil Soars Like a Loony Parrot Amid Hormuz Mayhem

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Brent crude oil futures performed a quadrille with the price charts, leaping into a dizzying waltz of 60% in March. This, dear reader, marked the most vigorous monthly frolic in the benchmark’s history since 1988, when the world still believed in the quaint notion of stable energy markets.

The May contract concluded Tuesday’s proceedings with a flourish, settling at $118.35 per barrel-a sum that would make even the most jaded financier weep into his martini. West Texas Intermediate (WTI), the US’s own oil dandy, managed a 51% climb, its finest showing since May 2020, when the world was still convinced that “social distancing” was merely a newfangled way to avoid awkward small talk.

Strait of Hormuz Closure Drives Historic Supply Shock

Iran’s theatrical performance of closing the Strait of Hormuz following the US-Israeli fireworks on February 28 has left energy markets quivering like a penguin in a sauna. The International Energy Agency (IEA), that solemn oracle of fossil fuels, declared the disruption the most calamitous in modern history-though one suspects they meant “modern” in the sense of “not the Bronze Age.”

This energy crisis has already left consumers clutching their wallets with the desperation of a man facing a £1000-a-minute taxi fare. US gas prices have soared from $2.75 to $4 per gallon since December-a rise that would make even a London cabbie wince. The highest price since 2022? Pah! A mere trifle compared to the existential dread now afflicting the motorist.

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BREAKING: Brent crude oil futures prices officially end March 2026 with a +60% gain, posting the largest monthly gain since the creations of the futures contract in 1988.

US gas prices are up by +$1.25/gallon since December.

– The Kobeissi Letter (@KobeissiLetter) March 31, 2026

In the UK, petrol reached 152.8p per liter-a figure that would make a Victorian industrialist weep with pride. JPMorgan’s Bruce Kasman, that paragon of economic wisdom, warned that a prolonged closure would send oil prices into a frenzy. “A month-long Strait shambles,” he declared, “could see prices near $150/bbl and leave industrial consumers gasping like fish out of water.”

“A scenario in which the Strait remains closed for an additional month would be consistent with oil prices rising towards $150/bbl and constraints on industrial consumers of energy supply,” he said.

Bloomberg, that purveyor of financial gossip, reported that US officials and Wall Street analysts are now whispering about the possibility of crude reaching $200 per barrel-a sum that would make even a gold-plated Rolls-Royce seem affordable.

Meanwhile, President Donald Trump, ever the showman, suggested the US could abandon its Iran escapade in two to three weeks. According to the Wall Street Journal, he told aides he’d consider ending the military campaign even if the Strait of Hormuz remained a geopolitical no-man’s-land. One suspects this decision was made with the same deliberation as choosing between ketchup and mustard.

The United Arab Emirates, in a move that would make even a desert fox raise an eyebrow, is reportedly preparing to assist the US in reopening the Strait by force-a plan that sounds less like diplomacy and more like a pirate’s raid on the Suez Canal.

TRUMP: UK / EU – GO GET YOUR OWN OIL… YOU CHICKENS

“All of those countries that can’t get jet fuel…

I have a suggestion for you: 1, buy from the U.S., we have plenty, and 2, build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT.”

– NewsForce (@Newsforce) March 31, 2026

Whether a diplomatic resolution, a military withdrawal, or a forced Strait reopening comes first will determine whether oil markets stabilize or continue their madcap ascent. One thing is certain: the denouement of this geopolitical operetta will be as dramatic as a Shakespearean tragedy written by a sleep-deprived student.

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2026-04-01 08:36