Cryptonews

These jokers have outdone the dark web, blending scams, AI trickery, and money laundering into one big, shady carnival. 🎢

Now, listen well, for the comparison-though seemingly simple-is but a mirror to the human soul and its infinite contradictions. Bittensor, the humble and unadorned, calls itself the most decentralized of networks, nearly echoing the spirit of that old friend Bitcoin-free, unbound, almost divine in its lack of master. There are no kings or aristocrats, only the ceaseless battle of subnet against subnet, striving, innovating, seeking to forge the future in the crucible of chaos.

Currently, our illustrious 20 are strutting at exactly 2702.73-down 0.8% or about twenty-two and some cents in the grand grand scheme. Like a poorly vaccinated parade, none of them dare to rise higher than their yesterday’s selves, which is either inspiring or deeply depressing, depending on your outlook (and possibly your investment portfolio).

The token’s descent into a bearish channel-complete with lower highs and a 5-cent trading range-is a masterclass in despair, per CoinDesk Research’s model. 🎓

On a Sunday, no less-a day typically reserved for repose-Selig was sworn in as the 16th chairman of the Commodity Futures Trading Commission. 🌟✨ Acting chair Caroline Pham, after a four-year odyssey, relinquished her scepter, leaving behind a legacy of regulatory bravado.

In the heart of Brussels, the esteemed Council of the European Union has unveiled its stance on two pivotal proposals. One proposes a regulation for the issuance of a digital euro-because who wouldn’t want to add another layer of complexity to their financial existence?-while the other seeks to safeguard the sacred status of euro cash across our beloved euro area. How utterly delightful! These declarations were made with the pomp and circumstance befitting such weighty decisions, with the Council preparing itself for vigorous negotiations with the ever-so-reasonable European Parliament.

Gold recently broke $4,420 per ounce on Dec 22, 2025-because nothing says “I’m valuable” like pretending to be a shiny rock while inflation chases you like a dog with a PhD in chaos. Central banks are apparently playing hot potato with gold, and geopolitical risks are the referee. 🏐💣

Eighteen bipartisan House members, led by Rep. Mike Carey (because nothing says “unity” like 18 people agreeing taxes are confusing), wrote a letter to the IRS begging them to fix staking rules before 2026. Their logic? Taxing rewards only when you sell them would “better capture actual economic gain.” Translation: Stop making people pay taxes on gains that exist only in the ether of market whims. They also warned that current rules might discourage staking-oh no, what if people stop securing blockchains? The chaos! Next thing you know, we’ll be printing money on toilet paper.

According to the oracles at crypto.news, Chainlink (LINK) languished at $12.49 on Tuesday, Dec. 23, its market cap a mere $8.84 billion. The price, once so buoyant, has plummeted 16% from its monthly zenith and a staggering 55% from its year-to-date glory. Oh, the hubris of it all! 📉💔

Selig, with that tone of a man who’s seen enough to know it’s never quite as simple as it looks, proclaimed this shift not as a mere policy tweak but as a “strategic repositioning”-fancy words, yes, but perhaps a sign that the long and tangled saga of crypto regulation is finally getting its act together, or at least trying to.