Cryptonews

Bitcoin [BTC] is sitting there like a frog on a lily pad, wondering where the action went.

He dreams of an “info finance” utopia, where open markets host a cacophony of AI models, each vying for attention like pigeons on a statue, while humans-ever heroic, ever flawed-stand by for spot checks and jury reviews. This, he assures us, will magically reduce risks, secure our systems, and preserve the illusion of control. And yet, one cannot help but chuckle at the thought of algorithms debating with humans over ethics while sipping virtual tea. ☕🤖

Not to be outdone by Uncle Sam’s crypto ambitions (because, let’s face it, America loves a good gold rush-even if it’s digital), Hong Kong is sharpening its claws. The city’s regulators, ever the opportunists, are tweaking the rules to keep the money flowing-because who doesn’t love a good gamble with other people’s savings? 🎲

Alex Thorn, the head honcho of research at Galaxy Digital, reckons there’s a solid chance Uncle Sam might just pull the trigger on a Strategic Bitcoin Reserve before the year’s out. You can almost hear the skeptics rolling their eyes, but Thorn’s betting on it. 🤔

Coinbase’s legal eagle, Paul Grewal, took to X (formerly Twitter, formerly sanity) on Sept. 11 to announce that the company was doubling down on its legal battle against the SEC. Why? Because the SEC’s own watchdog confirmed that they’ve been treating important texts like last year’s New Year’s resolutions-completely forgotten by February.

Picture this: our beloved DOGE, having kissed the earth twice at a most sacred support level-this double bottom so revered by wizards of charts-has suddenly decided to show its teeth and dash forward, like a Cossack spurred to battle by too much vodka. BitGuru, that sage oracle of the X-scrolls, proclaims this breakout with the kind of zeal reserved for newly discovered samovars. This daring leap, triumphantly vaulting over $0.26, banishes resistance like a bothersome babushka from the hallway, making way for fresh mischief and maybe wealth, if the spirits be kind.

In a play that had even the most seasoned Wall Street soothsayers rubbing their eyes in disbelief, Forward Industries-bravely, or perhaps foolishly-sailed through an astronomical $1.65 billion private investment in a public equity (PIPE) deal. This bold maneuver would load its corporate treasury with the cryptocurrency known as Solana (SOL), leaving its heritage financial trappings in plain dust.

XRP recently tried to gatecrash a critical resistance party, but the declining trendline played the grumpy bouncer, turning away multiple hopefuls since late July. At a cool $3.06, XRP stands at a crossroads-or more accurately, a brusque stalemate. If it manages to bust through this barrier like a caffeinated squirrel, it might just set off on an ambitious leap toward $5. 🚀 Or it might just sit awkwardly, scratching its head in confusion. Either way, popcorn’s ready.

Another day, another record. On September 12, 2025, Bitcoin’s global hashrate reached an absurdly high 1,057 EH/s by 6 a.m. Eastern. By 10 a.m., things cooled down (sort of) to 1,046.39 EH/s, but block times were still racing ahead like your grandma on an electric scooter-averaging 9 minutes and 25 seconds. Who needs 10 minutes, right?

Yet, just as one might expect a whirlwind of howls and frenzied trades, the derivatives market for Shiba has fallen into a rare and deafening hush-like Woland’s own cats taking a coffee break. This eerie silence, presented with all the solemnity of a midnight séance by the data sages of Coinglass, reveals a spectacle so peculiar it might have made even Azazello raise an eyebrow.