ETH remains range-bound below $3,500, with weak momentum and neutral derivatives data. It’s like watching a sloth navigate a treadmill-slow, steady, and slightly disappointing. 🦥
Ethereum, much like its dependable sibling Bitcoin, managed to hang onto its marbles above the precarious $3,200, igniting a recovery fête. It danced away joyful from the $3,350 and $3,400 barricades.
The world, it seems, has been seduced by stablecoins, those paragons of predictability in a sea of volatility. Ark Invest’s Cathie Wood, with the solemnity of a man who once believed in the divine right of gold, now admits that stablecoins have stolen a page from bitcoin’s playbook. “Stablecoins,” she declared, “are playing a role we once thought belonged solely to bitcoin.” And so, with a sigh worthy of a Tolstoyan protagonist, she adjusted her 2030 price target from $1.5 million to $1.2 million-a mere $300,000, yet a chasm in the realm of speculation. 🤷♂️
Bybit and Block Scholes just released a report saying traders are “cautiously finding stability.” Which, in crypto terms, probably means they’re just waiting for the next disaster to hit. 🕵️♀️
The sacred resistance at $0.18-$0.19 appears to be taunting yet again, with the next targets being perhaps more fitting for a fairy tale – $0.15 and maybe a heartbreaking $0.13. Yes, hold onto your hats, or your coins, or both.
The wise (or so they claim) analysts declare Bitcoin hath found its IPO price, a treasure chest now empty, with venture capital fleeing like scared courtiers. Fear, that fickle mistress, doth rise, and lo! The pioneer crypto seeks its bottom, like a drunkard searching for his lost coin. 🕳️
Calacanis didn’t stop there. Oh no, he also insisted that if the company goes belly-up, there should be no Bitcoin bailouts. Because, why not throw in a little more drama to the mix? 🎭
According to the Financial Times (those fancy folks with their pink papers), Ledger-the folks peddling USB-style vaults for your digital gold-is having a year so good, they’re probably popping champagne corks with their hardware wallets. Revenues? Triple-digit millions in 2025. That’s more zeros than a mathematician’s dream! 🍾💸
According to Sentora’s data (because who doesn’t trust random blockchain analytics?), every major network-Ethereum, Solana, Arbitrum, BNB Smart Chain, and Base-decided to lose double-digit percentages like it was a Black Friday sale on bad decisions. 🛍️📉
In the spring of 2024, the illustrious Department of Justice, that bastion of moral clarity, did accuse Anton and James Pepaire-Bueno-MIT-trained alchemists both-of weaving a web of deceit worthy of a penny dreadful. 🕵️♂️
