Now, slap on your government-issue sunglasses, because the White House has parachuted into the chat with a shiny new crypto policy report. Even better, $RLUSD’s market cap is now so plump it could probably afford avocados on toast without flinching. (Millennials rejoice.)
And who should lead this merry band of bargain hunters but the ever-dramatic Robert Kiyosaki? In a tweet that could rival one of my own quips, he boldly predicts BTC will tumble to $90,000. Not entirely mad, mind you—history does have a penchant for repeating itself, especially in August. It’s almost as if Bitcoin has an annual appointment with chaos. 📅📉
The question arrives like a storm cloud as IBM unveils its new quantum leviathan, Blue Jay, a bird with 2,000 qubit feathers set to flap into existence by 2033. One might call it a “quantum parrot,” if parrots could solve NP-hard problems. 🦜💥
And it’s not like this was a one-time faceplant. The platform’s revenue has been on a downward spiral all year, dropping to $90 million in February, then $37 million in March, and finally faceplanting in July. 📉 Someone get this protocol a parachute! 🪂
On-chain scribe MLM, that modern-day alchemist, unveiled on X the arcane details of Paradigm’s acquisition: a sum of $315 million, secured at an average price of $16.46 per HYPE. Now, with HYPE flirting with $37.70, the portfolio has swelled by 142%, elevating Paradigm to the pantheon of major HYPE holders. A triumph of foresight, if one can overlook the inherent risks of such a volatile venture. 📈📉
Ethereum (ETH) is staging a performance of on-chain activity so thrilling, even the most jaded blockchain enthusiasts are clapping politely. Daily transactions? Highest in a year! Active wallets? Rising faster than a soufflé in a 1920s Parisian bakery. According to analyst Cas Abb, this isn’t speculative FOMO—it’s *actual* adoption. Or, as we call it in the theater of crypto: “Act I, Scene Where Everyone Pretends This Time Is Different.”
The US stock market, that crazy rollercoaster, took a nosedive too — the S&P 500 flopped by 1.6%, as if it saw a ghost or remembered it forgot its umbrella in a rainstorm. The chart shows it might just be a *normal* wobble, or perhaps the start of something more mischievous. Either way, the bulls still have this week to pull their socks up (or face the music). 🎶
BTCBTC$114,491.82◢0.72%
The speed and firmness with which XRP recovers are reminiscent of an impulsive peasant rising against the odds—defiant, swift, and without hesitation. It refuses to be subdued at the psychological barrier of $3, a figure as symbolic as Tsarist autocracy—an unspoken hurdle. Should it surmount this, it whispers promises of revisiting its lofty heights, perhaps even reaching toward the legendary $3.70—an achievement that, in the world of crypto, is akin to a victory over fate itself, provided the stars align with a true breakout.
Anyway, these guys claim that back in 2020, some hackers made off with 127,426 BTC from a Chinese mining firm called LuBian. That’s $3.5 billion back then, but now it’s worth $14.5 billion. Yeah, you read that right. $14.5 BILLION. 🤑 Someone’s living the Larry David dream, minus the whole “being Larry David” part.
