Cryptonews

The last act saw BTC plunge from a lofty $119,000 to a modest $115,000 in mere hours—pennies in the grand scheme, but enough to make the old-timers’ hair turn gray (if they had any left). A Satoshi-era whale—an OG, for those who speak fluent Bitcoin—cashed out like a retiree on a cruise. Yet, the market? Barely a ripple! As if saying, “Go ahead, dump your treasure, little fish. We’re strong—more mature than a bottle of fine vodka.”

Blackrock dropped their latest chuckle-worthy market musings on July 28, basically screaming that digital doodads are crashing the mainstream party, and stablecoins are now the official gatecrashers of the financial world. 😏

The new department will keep an eye on digital tokens, especially won-pegged stablecoins and related rules. Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned, it’s that stablecoins are as stable as a jellyfish in a hurricane. 🐙 At the same time, the bank is renaming its Digital Currency Research Lab to the Digital Currency Lab on July 31, 2025, and shuffling staff to run token tests. Because nothing says “innovation” like changing a name and pretending it’s a breakthrough. 😎

Ah, dear reader! Pray lend thy ear: The capricious Kraken, a crypto bazaar of some notoriety, now seeks $500 million from the coffers of the eager, desirous to be appraised at a richly comedic sum of $15 billion. So murmureth the busybodies from The Information, ever with their noses pressed to the glass of financiers’ banquets. Compare this to the pauperish valuation of $11 billion in 2022—a mere trifle, a crumb on Fortune’s ample table! Our rascally exchange thus readies for a public offering—a promenade down Wall Street’s catwalk—heralded for none other than the first act of the year 2026. Who says ambition is dead? Nay, it drinks espresso. ☕️

By some cosmic convergence, this lurch toward cryptodom places Fundamental Global (soon, in a rare display of corporate wit, to be rechristened “FG Nexus”—one can only assume the initials stand for Fondly Gullible) alongside such forward-thinking entities as… other companies buying Ether before it was cool. The press release—an art form in itself—promises “multiple value drivers,” which appear to include staking, tokenized things that once existed in the real world, and presumably a free trip to Davos if you say ‘blockchain’ enough times in one sentence.

It transformed from a celebrated collection that nearly flamed out into a brand-building powerhouse, all thanks to a community-led coup and a savvy new owner. Or, as the ancients might say, “A penguin’s revenge is a dish best served with a side of tokenomics.” 🦆💸

In a move that could only be described as a masterstroke of bureaucratic brilliance, Algeria has officially outlawed any form of cryptocurrency use, exchange, or mining. Ostensibly, this is to protect the national financial system from the nefarious activities of money launderers and terrorists, but one can’t help but wonder if the real aim is to keep the country’s financial landscape as quaint as a 17th-century village fair.

The Fed, in its wisdom, has observed a decline in economic activity since the dawn of the year, though the labor market remains robust, almost defiant in the face of these challenges. The guardians of the economy, ever vigilant, maintain a cautious stance, their eyes fixed upon the horizon of uncertainty. And yet, the political winds blow strong, with President Trump urging the Fed to cut rates, arguing that such a move would invigorate growth and lighten the burden of debt. But Fed Chair Jerome Powell, a man of measured words, warns that Trump’s tariffs may be a bane, driving prices up and casting a pall over the broader economic landscape.

Through the year’s dust, Cardano (ADA) has been sketching out a pattern with the diligence of a first-time poet—subtle, persistent, almost embarrassing to watch. CryptoSmith0x (a pseudonym Dostoevsky would surely envy) remarked on the two-week chart: since 2022, ADA brewed this structure in silence, passing through the barren steppes of $0.50 and $0.60. The pattern—beloved of traders and fortune-tellers alike—whispers of an eruption, should the neckline at $0.92 finally capitulate. If only the train would actually arrive.

Since July 24, under the ominous banner of Law No. 25-10, the government has declared war on all things crypto. Miners, traders, wallet users, and exchanges are all in the crosshairs. It’s like a game of whack-a-mole, but with a lot more at stake. The authorities are on a mission to stamp out any unregulated money sources and tackle the specters of money laundering and terrorist financing. 🎩💰